My whole life I carried with me an obsession with never “settling” for anything. With every new girl I pulled, faults would be listed, ways in which she could be improved, things I didn’t like about her. Almost immediately, I started looking for the next best thing.
It was good in some ways. It drove me on to continually improve, to always try and be attaining “the next level”. But it was bad in so many other ways. Restlessness of mind. Permanent bachelorhood. I realised that the drive to pull hotter and hotter girls was ultimately a projection of my dissatisfaction with myself at a basic level. If only I could get with a 9.5 out of 10, then I would have proved to myself that I’m awesome… Yeah right. The only person who cared was myself. Perfectionism at its base level is a need to reassure yourself of your own worth. Don’t trust the advice of a man who has slept with over 50 women, and still makes it his entire raison d’être – he is not whole.
Like it or not, everyone has faults. Even I – as close to perfection as can be attained in a human being – have flaws. To be in a relationship with someone is to accept that person for not only their good points, but the bad ones too. If you are incapable of tolerating any kind of perceived imperfection, then you are simply not cut out to have an adult relationship at this point in your life. Guess what – the ideal you are looking for, of the perfect woman, with the perfect personality – it doesn’t exist. Or if it does, there are about 7 of them in the world, and they are married to men who have 5 super yachts.
As soon as you realise this ceaseless pursuit of the next best thing is ultimately self-destructive and futile, you’ll find yourself opening up to the possibility of having a great relationship with someone. I finally stopped chasing girls around relentlessly this year, having reached a place of fulfilment and self-acceptance, and as soon as I just decided to concentrate on other things, and take life as it comes rather than trying to force it, an amazing girl came into my life, who I was able to appreciate for all of her many, many positive qualities, and who being with has greatly enriched my life in myriad ways.
A friend of mine, a former wing man, the man responsible for getting me into game originally several years ago, laid into me last weekend over my current relationship when we were out at a bar for my ex-girlfriend’s leaving party (she’s going to Australia). He told me I was a “cop out”, because I’d stopped going out with him to relentlessly chase models around bars in Mayfair, and that I’d compromised myself, that I was just blind lucky that this girl had entered my life, and that I didn’t have the skills to be able to cold approach like him, and he would go on to be better and more happy than me. He sat alone, unwilling to talk to any of the people there because “what do they offer my life anyway”, a bitter look on his face. I looked around at my friends with whom I had only just been reminiscing warmly of past times, and contemplated the deep feeling of contentment and happiness in my heart borne out of being in a loving, healthy relationship, and saw my former self reflected in him. I have no desire to go back there.
I wrote this originally back in September but never got around to publishing it for some reason. Even though I’ve moved on a bit since this was written, the advice is still salient.
And indeed, I still don’t feel like I settled in any way, and I never will. The longer my relationship continues, the closer my girlfriend and I become, the more we trust one another, and the better things become. The whole perfectionism thing was just a barrier that I had to give myself an initial push to get past, and I’m glad I did.