In Pursuit Of Perfection

Perfection

My whole life I carried with me an obsession with never “settling” for anything. With every new girl I pulled, faults would be listed, ways in which she could be improved, things I didn’t like about her. Almost immediately, I started looking for the next best thing.

It was good in some ways. It drove me on to continually improve, to always try and be attaining “the next level”. But it was bad in so many other ways. Restlessness of mind. Permanent bachelorhood. I realised that the drive to pull hotter and hotter girls was ultimately a projection of my dissatisfaction with myself at a basic level. If only I could get with a 9.5 out of 10, then I would have proved to myself that I’m awesome… Yeah right. The only person who cared was myself. Perfectionism at its base level is a need to reassure yourself of your own worth. Don’t trust the advice of a man who has slept with over 50 women, and still makes it his entire raison d’être – he is not whole.

Like it or not, everyone has faults. Even I – as close to perfection as can be attained in a human being – have flaws. To be in a relationship with someone is to accept that person for not only their good points, but the bad ones too. If you are incapable of tolerating any kind of perceived imperfection, then you are simply not cut out to have an adult relationship at this point in your life. Guess what – the ideal you are looking for, of the perfect woman, with the perfect personality – it doesn’t exist. Or if it does, there are about 7 of them in the world, and they are married to men who have 5 super yachts.

As soon as you realise this ceaseless pursuit of the next best thing is ultimately self-destructive and futile, you’ll find yourself opening up to the possibility of having a great relationship with someone. I finally stopped chasing girls around relentlessly this year, having reached a place of fulfilment and self-acceptance, and as soon as I just decided to concentrate on other things, and take life as it comes rather than trying to force it, an amazing girl came into my life, who I was able to appreciate for all of her many, many positive qualities, and who being with has greatly enriched my life in myriad ways.

A friend of mine, a former wing man, the man responsible for getting me into game originally several years ago, laid into me last weekend over my current relationship when we were out at a bar for my ex-girlfriend’s leaving party (she’s going to Australia). He told me I was a “cop out”, because I’d stopped going out with him to relentlessly chase models around bars in Mayfair, and that I’d compromised myself, that I was just blind lucky that this girl had entered my life, and that I didn’t have the skills to be able to cold approach like him, and he would go on to be better and more happy than me. He sat alone, unwilling to talk to any of the people there because “what do they offer my life anyway”, a bitter look on his face. I looked around at my friends with whom I had only just been reminiscing warmly of past times, and contemplated the deep feeling of contentment and happiness in my heart borne out of being in a loving, healthy relationship, and saw my former self reflected in him. I have no desire to go back there.

I wrote this originally back in September but never got around to publishing it for some reason. Even though I’ve moved on a bit since this was written, the advice is still salient.

And indeed, I still don’t feel like I settled in any way, and I never will. The longer my relationship continues, the closer my girlfriend and I become, the more we trust one another, and the better things become. The whole perfectionism thing was just a barrier that I had to give myself an initial push to get past, and I’m glad I did.

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31 thoughts on “In Pursuit Of Perfection

  1. A lot of the problem is, you’re fighting against a stigma that guys like Neil Strauss and Mystery set a long time ago. They learned all the negs, game, and closing tactics in the world and slept with tons of girls. Alpha? Sure, or at least people thought so at the time. Then, they got in to a relationship, and it was akin to a train derailing off the tracks at 100mph. They got clingy, needy, and didn’t lead. Beta? Everyone is quick to slap that label on them.

    So naturally, the alpha thing became to just never get into a relationship. Never find a “special snowflake”. Anyone that does is a fool, because you give someone the power to hurt you. Whereas now game has evolved, we have the knowledge to know how to maintain a healthy relationship so that we don’t derail like trains. The problem is, everyone still slaps the label on you as soon as you mention any of the following words on a blog or Twitter: girlfriend, commitment, love.

    Ultimately it’s happiness we all seek.

    • Yes exactly. Xsplat always says – quite rightly – that you should follow a guru who displays the quality you are seeking.

      If we are seeking happiness, then what sense does it make to follow the ways of men who shun all emotional connection, have bitterness in their hearts, and aren’t happy?

      • I think the number of guys capable of pulling this off is very, very low.

        Keep in mind you said multiple SOs, not a harem where you have one main girl and then some you fuck on the side for fun. That can be challenging as is.

        As far as building real, true relationships with multiple people, I can imagine the deep rewards pulling it off could entail. I can *also* imagine how much of a pain in the ass it might be. Constantly defusing jealousy would be a full time job.

        The more I write, and the more I’m in the trenches, the more I realize what I am, or am not, cut out for.

      • For those that can exist happily in such a state – good for them. It’s definitely not for me though. I’m an all or nothing type of person when it comes to women – they’re either good enough for me to go out with and spend most of my free time with, or they’re nothing and I’ll kick them to the kerb. And if I’m with a girl I really like, then I’m simply not open to meeting any others.

        Additionally, it’d mean having to be cool with girls I like being shagged by other dudes, which is something I could never do.

        If you’re interested in that sort of arrangement though, there’s some dude called BlackDragon PUA who blogs about it. I disagree with a lot of what he says, and I suspect most of the women he has on the go are of dubious quality, but it’s a different perspective at the least.

      • Thank you for the insights guys.

        Of course, the amount of guys who have the balls, time and energy to have multiple deep, meaningful relationships is indeed very low. The reason I brought up polyamory is because I thought it to be a third alternative to monogamy or slut sprees (I’m a fan of the former, for the record).

        On the other hand, and I think YSW would agree with me here, once you’ve found that someone who satisfies your needs on every level, you no longer have that drive and urge to pursue women beyond platonicity. Besides, I think little time would be left for developing the other areas (career, hobbies etc.)of ones life.

      • Quite so. A good relationship with a great girl is just a part of the picture – a large, important part at that – but still a part. To make women and their pursuit the entirety of your purpose is to lead an unbalanced life, and invite corresponding deterioration in other areas – career, pursuit of wealth, self-development etc.

        If all you care about in life is women, then fine. But if you want to achieve true success in all terms, a balance is required.

  2. That’s one thing that many in the ‘sphere don’t understand. They’re all about becoming bigger and better at everything and honing themselves to “perfection” to get the ultimate girl. Inherently, there is nothing wrong with this, but don’t cast aside your other goals at the expense of even just this one.

    It’s OK to have preferences that don’t revolve around ultimate game and possibly even sacrifice having the “ultimate” game if you can get towards your other goals. I am improving myself simply because I desire a LTR possibly leading towards marriage. I understand the risks of marriage, yet I still want one because I want a family and understand it is the best environment for children to grow up in.

    We belittle feminists because they criticize our preferences, but then many in the ‘sphere do the same thing criticizing other men’s preferences. Not all of us want to run a harem, or perfect game so that we can have sex with celebrities.

    In my opinion, as long as you’re working towards your goals in life more power to you.

    • Well said mate. As I’ve mentioned in another post, I feel that for most guys, raising their self-esteem through improving their look, physique and careers, combined with learning social dynamics, and then finding a decent girl for a relationship, will yield happiness orders of magnitude larger than trawling the streets for women, hunting “notches”.

  3. game is a tool to a means to your end. be it relationship, or a fuck. all that matters is you’re sated. whatever anyone else has to say about it can fuck off. it’s your life, do what makes you happy.


  4. i think you’ll like this video. It’s rather long but very deep and very honest, about pursuit of happiness and what people ultimately seek. Torero and Krauser co-developed the daygame model so I think you’ll be surprised what he really thinks about life. Anyway this vid is extremely valuable on it’s own, one of the best published in “manosphere.”

    • 42 minutes of Tom Terero? Sigh…

      Having listened to the first 10 minutes, all Tom has done here is totally reaffirm everything I have said. For all his “game”, for all his women, the man isn’t happy. Why? Because he’s not focusing on the right things. He still doesn’t like himself at a base level, and he hasn’t yet twigged that no matter how much poon he throws at the void in his soul, it’s not going to fix it.

      Give yourself a reason to like yourself. Get into great shape. Dress well. Be successful for reasons other than selling DVDs on game and stupid bootcamps. Be a man of morals, integrity and dignity. Like yourself when you look at yourself in the mirror.

      Tom looks like crap. He has a poor physique, shit hair, and bad clothes. He has not worked on himself.

      I used to be like Tom. I thought the answer lay in just pulling hotter women – they surely I would feel better? And then I realised what matters in life, and it’s not game. Read my most recent post for my take on it.

      I honestly cannot remember the last time I doubted or questioned my own path and happiness.

      Tom’s come to this realisation on his own, after years of wasted time. I am trying to help guys – like you – cut out that wasted time, and get you to where you need to be in a quicker and healthier process.

      • Let’s stop with this useless mental masturbation when we essentially agree. I forgot to mention I never intended to reach 50 lays. Not that I would protest. I always wanted to improve – on my terms – in all aspects, I just think Nick has good enough writing skills and good enough game skills to teach me just that. I have Jabba’s book, I read it some time ago, took notes, compared it to what Torero says…and there is 95% overlap in the important stuff. I think the reason Jabba has “healthier” mindsets is because he is kind of natural and also very good loking from the start. But even for Jabba, inner game is, according to his book, majority of success, even though he values fit body, great style, face…more than the other guys.
        What Jabba said himself about Jabba vs Krauser?(someone asked in the forum): “We both have a pretty deep knowledge of this stuff, but Nick is just more of a deconstructionist than me, is all. I think I actually FEEL the game more and act out in instinct.

        I’ve had to go back and backwards engineer everything I know to product the Home Study System. Hope you like it by the way 😉 😉 😉

        If you look under the surface in terms of execution, both Nick and I agree on pretty much all aspects.

        Nick enjoys breaking it down probably a little more than I do. By the way we are going to collaborate on the next product – it will be a co – production with both of our efforts and will be an infield product.
        Jabba
        Site Admin

        If you think about it, Jabba slept with much more women than Krauser and he is also in the trenches for much longer. So it’s not like he is in a LTR after 3 years of Daygame. Are his mindsets better because he has more real value to rely on? Probably yes..I also see Jabba as the real deal, more “natural”, but due to thi his writing is of less quality (somewhat less precise description of the concepts compared to Krauser) which doesn’t matter when he teaches you personally but Nick is the same personality type as me and I share his obsession for complex systems, that’s why I look forward to his book.
        BTW, my life experience means I participated in human autopsy like 50 times during my studies and this shit moves your priorities. I saw dead child 3 days old, 22 year old man in superb shape dead because of leukemia etc. So forgive me if I don’t want to invest 100% more effort for 15% more results in body composition…I am all about efficiency in that area. And I think mastery is generally not really worth it. We see this with Krauser, ironically, or with gym rats who take chicken to the cinema in a plastic box and suffer from their very low BF levels. Anyway, you are doing a great job, your relaxed state shines through in some posts..I’ll probably leave the manosphere for good after Krauser and Torero publish their new books which is January, probably. Maybe you’re right and Jabba’s will be the best one.

      • “So forgive me if I don’t want to invest 100% more effort for 15% more results in body composition” – honestly mate, it’s not that big of a time investment – that’s what I was trying to explain earlier. But as you wish, I obviously can’t convince you.

        “Anyway, you are doing a great job, your relaxed state shines through in some posts..” – thank you for the compliment, and I hope that as I continue to blog, and you infer more of what type of person I have become through applying the methods that I preach, you’ll see the value in them.

        Just be careful who you pick as a “guru”. If you’re aiming for happiness, then you should pick a guru who already embodies happiness – this isn’t Krauser.

  5. Another way to look at it is that I am INTJ. http://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality I took a test with 80 possible results, and still were INTJ.
    This explains a lot of my, as well as Krauser’s, flaws and strengths. Lot of what you call unhappiness, bitterness or emptiness are probably default traits of INTJ’s. Jabba is ENTJ. My opinions on politics or society were exactly the same as Krauser’s before I’ve heard of him. I liked Ayn Rand, were pretty vocal against some religions, were knees deep in various topics like “Hypertrophy” or always wrote lists of things I wanted etc. And his thought process is like my thought process. In many areas we came to exactly the same conclusion independently after hours of study. This is valuable if you want to learn something from someone. I wouldn’t underestimate this, maybe it’s the only reason we see things differently. I would be curious what your type is.

    • I’m an introvert as well mate, and I was the same – I over thought things, was obsessed with theory etc. I had autistic tendencies as a kid. Whilst you can’t ever truly escape your base personality type, you can learn to largely push it to one side through taking positive action to improve yourself instead of sitting around analysing and thinking about things.

      At its base level introversion is merely losing energy in large social situations. Introversion is not sitting around over thinking things, and being obsessed with theory. That my friend is called “lack of self confidence”. Believe me – I’ve been there, and come out the other side. Time spent “inside your head” is entirely related to how self assured you are. You don’t understand this because you’ve never seen it from the other side of the spectrum.

      It seems to me – you don’t want to hear the solution to your “problem”, if you see it as such. It involves pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, and dedicating yourself to some years of hard work. Instead, you want to rationalise the way you currently think, and hide behind a personality type label, saying “oh, it’s just the way I am”.

      • That’s probably right. Which means I should leave the internet and take action. What helped me in the past was taking the best book on the subject and just do it, knowing it is all I need. On the internet, there is always a new post that promises a new insight or discovery.

  6. Been going through your blog piece by piece for the last week and as a 19 year old I’m finding it hugely beneficial in expanding my thought processes and absorbing all the positive masculinity. So thank you.

    One thing I’ve noticed in a few posts is your use of sun beds, as someone naturally pale also it’s been a consideration. The only knowledge I have is the mainstream hysteria of using one rapidly increasing chances of skin cancer. How valid is this view?

    • As with many other subjects, the media hysteria surrounding sunbed use is largely unjustified.

      Let’s say for argument’s sake that it can double your chance of skin cancer. That means you could go from a 1 in 100,000 chance to a 2 in 100,000 chance – ooh, scary. If you have a lot of moles and freckles, then it’s undeniable that you are more at risk, but like many other things in life, this is an acceptable calculated risk for me, when weighing up the benefits.

      In addition to improving your appearance, the sunbeds will also give your vitamin d levels a boost, and clear up greasy or spotty skin.

      With regular monitoring of all your moles and freckles, the risk goes down to almost zero. A malignant mole caught in the early stages can be safely excised every time, should it come to that.

      If you’re going to do it, it’s worth looking into a peptide called Melanotan. This will accelerate the rate at which you tan by a massive factor, meaning you get the same benefits off much less UV exposure.

      • Ondrej, Czech Republic

        There are variants of melanoma that visually disappear after a while and you don’t know shit until it’s too late. And even top medical professionals from the department of pathology I talked to say the risk is real and you shoud avoid excessive sun exposure. Melanoma is the most agressive tumour that virtually spreads everywhere, even to heart, which is otherwise rare. This doesn’t mean sitting at home, but exposure should be adequate.

      • And bear in mind that top medical professionals have been advocating a high carb, low fat diet for decades, giving rise to the obesity and diabetes epidemic. And that top medical professionals in the UK told me it was perfectly normal for me to have no interest in sex at age 31, and have fat hips like a girl, and that I didn’t need TRT. I’m not saying they are necessarily wrong here, just that “conventional wisdom” exists in the medical field just as anywhere else.

        As I acknowledged, the risk of melanoma from UV exposure is increased, but it’s a calculated risk given the numerous benefits it affords me.

        At the end of the day – life is carcinogenic. A genetic predisposition will put you at more risk than anything else. If there’s a history of skin cancer in the family, then it’s best to avoid sunbeds. You just need to use your own judgment as to what you consider to be an acceptable level of risk, after weighing up and reading the available literature and statistics, and never ever just going off the word of someone else.

        I personally check all my moles in the mirror once a week, and see a dermatologist every six months.

  7. Hey man,

    This year I am planning on getting in great shape and wanted to pick your brain on a couple of things.

    I’m not fat, I actually have a good natural build, but I really wanted to put on a bit of muscle, particularly on my upper body (I have well-developed legs from other sports). Additionally, there is a bit of stubborn fat (belly) that I need to get rid of. I used to do a lot of endurance sports and it seems they make you skinny fat more than anything. So I’ve been doing circuits at home around four times a week (sets of press ups, crunches, squats and a few dumbbell exercises). I’m up to just over 100 reps for each exercise in total, which I’m pleased with thus far.

    However, correct me if I’m wrong but to really build a great body I need to hit the gym and lift heavy, because doing many reps of comparatively lightweight bodyweight exercises isn’t going to cut it. Am I right?

    To this end I was planning to get Victor Pride’s ‘Body of a Spartan’ as it’s relatively short and will give me everything I need. I considered ‘Starting Strength’ but I hear that that’s quite long and involved and I don’t want to become a theory junkie, I just want to be given solid guidance and actually put the work in.

    I’ve also been intermittent fasting (7pm-1pm approx), and have already lost a little body fat (been doing it for one week thus far), so I will continue to do this in order to create a calorie deficit and lose that little bit of fat. I’d estimate I’m somewhere around 15-20% body fat at the moment. I’ve cut out carby stuff and I’m eating lots of eggs and beef, though I find that I need a little bit of carbs every few days, otherwise I get bad mood swings and feel awful.

    How does my plan sound? Is there anything you would change/any tips you would offer?

  8. Hey man, I’ll quote Krauser from his new book because I saw you badmouthing him on Twitter again:

    “Game will not make you happy. It will remove one of the major sources of anxiety in your life and it will give you adventures you never dreamed possible, but it creates its own set of problems. Only self acceptance will give you happiness and that is not achieved by tearing through 100 fresh vaginas.”

    Time to stop using Krauser as an example of “dangerous and unhappy relentless notch count hyena” that doesn’t see the big picture. Just because you don’t want to devote your life to tennis and you just want to be decent player with other interests doesn’t mean it hurts to have Roger Federer as a tennis coach. I have solid collection of mansophere books, unfortunately. Tomassi, Jabba, Daygame.com, McQueen, you name it. All average at best compared to Daygame Mastery.

    • Took him long enough to realise, and he led a lot of impressionable betas up the garden path along with him on the way.

      I’m sure he’d be touched by your willingness to leap to his defense at some dude on twitter badmouthing him. It’s cute.

      • It was more about you than him, I don’t like how you mask your lack of expertise in game as “balanced life” and tell people inner game is about tracking macros and sorting out your style. Much more problematic for newbies than Krauser.

      • My whole point all along is that if you do the things I preach, you won’t need “game” at all. What is game? It’s faking the behaviours of a high value, attractive man. So fucking become that man. The behaviors then follow automatically.

        Or you can waste years of your life learning to fake these behaviours. Time that you’re not spending on actually improving your core worth. Do you want to be a pathetic fake your whole life, or lead a genuine existence?

        If you can’t see the massive simplicity of this concept, then I can’t help you, and you’re going to waste years of your life before you come to the realisation I did – if you ever do.

        The only “game” you need is enough knowledge of social dynamics to know how women work, what are attractive behaviours, and what are not.

        Put me and Krauser in front of the same girl, and she will be more attracted to me, nearly every single time.

        You’re an idiot, stop wasting both of our time with your stupid immature comments, and go kiss your boyfriend’s ass some more.

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