Someone recently asked me on Twitter if I could recommend any good resources on the subject of what I refer to as “social dynamics” – the knowledge and application of which behaviours convey what sort of information about you to other people, and what you can infer from reading things about them. This knowledge, once attained, allows you to quickly identify what your default behaviours are telling other people about what kind of person you are, and subsequently eliminate any which are unattractive.
Some examples might be helpful.
- Breaking eye contact downwards, or being unable to hold eye contact whilst talking
- Hunching your shoulders
- Laughing too much at other peoples jokes
- Speaking quietly, or stuttering
- Constantly seeking the validation or approval of others
- Calm, unhurried manner
- Strong, unflinching eye contact
- Deep, measured tonality
- Unreactiveness to the words and actions of others
- Being able to comfortably hold a silence
It occurred to me that I can’t actually recommend one single, defining resource on this subject. My knowledge in the area is something I have pieced together through several years of reading blogs on the subjects of pickup and evolutionary psychology, and recently it has come from introspecting on my own assumed behaviours as I have grown in stature as a man.
I can’t give you a definitive list of every single attractive and unattractive behaviour. However, what I can give you is the mindset to hopefully steer you in the right direction. The key is to stop, and really think about what sort of impression you are conveying to other people with your default behaviours.
Are you constantly making jokes? Then ask yourself why? Do you need people to laugh to make you feel good? Do you suspect you are coming across as a clown?
Do you break eye contact all the time? Why? Do you not feel worthy of holding eye contact with whomever you are speaking to? Is your self-opinion too low? What then can you do to improve it? What don’t you like about yourself?
Being able to first identify what kind of unattractive behaviours you are exhibiting is the first stage in being able to eliminate them. It’s also the first step in become totally honest with yourself about who you are, where you are in life, and what your failings are – things which are all vitally important to be able to address if you really want to make progress in improving yourself.