I’ve not blogged for some time. I really don’t feel like I’ve got much to say any more. I’m at a place of contentment. I’m happy with who I am, what I am doing, and where I am going with my life. I cannot even recall the last time I felt anything resembling a pang of social anxiety. I can’t recall the last time I went into a downward spiral of introspective self-analysis. I’m merely present in the moment, existing from second to second, acting on instinct.
As someone who has started from the bottom – from a place of unbearable anxiety when trying to approach women, a place of self-loathing, entrenched self-doubt and no self-esteem – and made his way to the place I am at now, I feel that I’m in a position to reflect on the whole process, and evaluate what helped me most, and what held me back from getting here sooner.
You may not be the same as me, and you may not agree. I’ve become pretty astute and a good judge of human character, and I’ve been able to positively influence the lives of my friends by encouraging them to take those actions which helped me most, and avoid those which did not, so I’m pretty sure I’m on the right track.
Perhaps I’ll start first with what I realise helped me the least over this period of my life. Game. I can’t stand it. The base tenet of the concept is in itself flawed – an adoption of fake behaviours in order to mimic the actions of those men to whom it comes naturally. What is the underlying assumption in that? That you are not good enough as you are and you need to pretend to be someone else.
I cannot stress enough what harm that mindset causes. Development of obsession of whether you used the correct “game”. Trying to improve your “game” in order to get hotter girls. Attributing your successes to your “game”. Developing a disconnect between your “self” and your “game”. Viewing social interactions and talking to women as some sort of fucked up role-playing game where you’ve got to take the correct action at the correct time in order to get the outcome you want. “Ah, she said sentence X, time to engage mastery Y”.
All men need to receive an education in “social dynamics” – the psychology of attraction, what behaviours you should be exhibiting, which ones you should not, how to be masculine. But that’s as far as it goes. The more time you spend on trying to learn to emulate the behaviours of alpha males, the less time you are spending actually BECOMING one. The whole point of this process should be to turn yourself into the type of man who you want to be – not spend months and years learning a stockpile of pretend behaviours that just mean you can merely act like one. You’ve not changed underneath. You’re still not happy. You still don’t like yourself.
So, then what did actually help me the most? If I had to pick two things over and above everything else, it would be going to the gym, and learning self-acceptance. In terms of the gym, I don’t just mean lifting a few weights for a couple of months, losing a couple of % body fat, adding 10kg to your bench, and then strutting around proudly even though you still look shit. I mean getting RIPPED. Getting massively stronger and more lean than 99.99% of the rest of the male population. Getting down to <10% body fat. Having a full six-pack. Seeing the striations on your shoulders. Do you have any idea what it can do to your confidence walking down the street, feeling your obliques tensing and rubbing on your belt, feeling your abs ripple and clench with every step, knowing that if you whipped your shirt off right there every single person in the room would do a double take? The confidence and social dominance that comes from knowing that you could manhandle almost every single person you come across in the street if you need to?
You OWE it to yourself as a man to get into that fucking gym, 5 times a week, sort your diet out, and just get ripped. There is no single other thing that will do more for your confidence in my opinion. And once you’re in great shape, Sort out your style. Take an online consultation if you need to. Again, do you have any idea what it will do for your self-esteem to have over 50% of all women you walk past check you out because of all the hard work you put in?
In terms of self-acceptance, I just mean stop giving yourself such a fucking hard time about your perceived flaws, about your failures in social situations, and about your negative self-image. Of course acknowledge them, know they are there – look yourself in the eye in the mirror every day of your life and say what you don’t like about yourself. Don’t get down about it, hunching your shoulders and shuffling your feet, but rather use it as a catalyst to improve. Let it ignite a burning desire within you that you will not tolerate this substandard existence for one second more, because you KNOW you deserve better from life. But having acknowledged this, and made this vow to yourself, let it drop. Stop thinking about your flaws. The key phrase to remember is “I am fine as I am. And I am also going to improve.” And guess what? Over time, every day you look in the mirror at yourself, before long you will start finding more things that you actually like about yourself than things you don’t.
The world is going to try to keep you down. Everyone is a crab in a bucket, trying desperately to stop anyone else getting ahead of them, pulling them back, in order to preserve their own fragile ego and self-esteem, so that their world view of themselves is not threatened. The least you can do is not make it any easier for them to do so by beating yourself up at the same time.
You take these steps, you work on yourself, and soon you realise that without even thinking you are doing all of these behaviours you were pretending to do for years because of “game”. Every single one comes naturally to you, as easy as breathing. You frame control because you know you are right. You don’t let yourself get treated badly because you know what you are worth. You don’t have approach anxiety because you know that you deserve the girl. You know what you said is the right thing to say because you said it.
And believe me, if you really want a true top-tier girl, one with beauty, class AND intelligence, this is where you’re going to need to get to, because they’re not stupid, and they’ll see straight through the fakery.
You want a life free of self-doubt? Free of having to think what “the right thing to say is”? Then stop wasting your time on countless hours of learning game, doing fucking “yadstops”, being an “amused wanky master”, and just start taking the steps of self-improvement to TURN YOURSELF into the man you want to be, and stop PRETENDING to be him. Become a normal, confident, socially well-adjusted member of society, and stop being that weirdo who looks like he’s trying too hard all the time.