The Natural

I’ve not blogged for some time. I really don’t feel like I’ve got much to say any more. I’m at a place of contentment. I’m happy with who I am, what I am doing, and where I am going with my life. I cannot even recall the last time I felt anything resembling a pang of social anxiety. I can’t recall the last time I went into a downward spiral of introspective self-analysis. I’m merely present in the moment, existing from second to second, acting on instinct.

As someone who has started from the bottom – from a place of unbearable anxiety when trying to approach women, a place of self-loathing, entrenched self-doubt and no self-esteem – and made his way to the place I am at now, I feel that I’m in a position to reflect on the whole process, and evaluate what helped me most, and what held me back from getting here sooner.

You may not be the same as me, and you may not agree. I’ve become pretty astute and a good judge of human character, and I’ve been able to positively influence the lives of my friends by encouraging them to take those actions which helped me most, and avoid those which did not, so I’m pretty sure I’m on the right track.

Perhaps I’ll start first with what I realise helped me the least over this period of my life. Game. I can’t stand it. The base tenet of the concept is in itself flawed – an adoption of fake behaviours in order to mimic the actions of those men to whom it comes naturally. What is the underlying assumption in that? That you are not good enough as you are and you need to pretend to be someone else.

I cannot stress enough what harm that mindset causes. Development of obsession of whether you used the correct “game”. Trying to improve your “game” in order to get hotter girls. Attributing your successes to your “game”. Developing a disconnect between your “self” and your “game”. Viewing social interactions and talking to women as some sort of fucked up role-playing game where you’ve got to take the correct action at the correct time in order to get the outcome you want. “Ah, she said sentence X, time to engage mastery Y”.

All men need to receive an education in “social dynamics” – the psychology of attraction, what behaviours you should be exhibiting, which ones you should not, how to be masculine. But that’s as far as it goes. The more time you spend on trying to learn to emulate the behaviours of alpha males, the less time you are spending actually BECOMING one. The whole point of this process should be to turn yourself into the type of man who you want to be – not spend months and years learning a stockpile of pretend behaviours that just mean you can merely act like one. You’ve not changed underneath. You’re still not happy. You still don’t like yourself.

So, then what did actually help me the most? If I had to pick two things over and above everything else, it would be going to the gym, and learning self-acceptance. In terms of the gym, I don’t just mean lifting a few weights for a couple of months, losing a couple of % body fat, adding 10kg to your bench, and then strutting around proudly even though you still look shit. I mean getting RIPPED. Getting massively stronger and more lean than 99.99% of the rest of the male population. Getting down to <10% body fat. Having a full six-pack. Seeing the striations on your shoulders. Do you have any idea what it can do to your confidence walking down the street, feeling your obliques tensing and rubbing on your belt, feeling your abs ripple and clench with every step, knowing that if you whipped your shirt off right there every single person in the room would do a double take? The confidence and social dominance that comes from knowing that you could manhandle almost every single person you come across in the street if you need to?

You OWE it to yourself as a man to get into that fucking gym, 5 times a week, sort your diet out, and just get ripped. There is no single other thing that will do more for your confidence in my opinion. And once you’re in great shape, Sort out your style. Take an online consultation if you need to. Again, do you have any idea what it will do for your self-esteem to have over 50% of all women you walk past check you out because of all the hard work you put in?

In terms of self-acceptance, I just mean stop giving yourself such a fucking hard time about your perceived flaws, about your failures in social situations, and about your negative self-image. Of course acknowledge them, know they are there – look yourself in the eye in the mirror every day of your life and say what you don’t like about yourself. Don’t get down about it, hunching your shoulders and shuffling your feet, but rather use it as a catalyst to improve. Let it ignite a burning desire within you that you will not tolerate this substandard existence for one second more, because you KNOW you deserve better from life. But having acknowledged this, and made this vow to yourself, let it drop. Stop thinking about your flaws. The key phrase to remember is “I am fine as I am. And I am also going to improve.” And guess what? Over time, every day you look in the mirror at yourself, before long you will start finding more things that you actually like about yourself than things you don’t.

The world is going to try to keep you down. Everyone is a crab in a bucket, trying desperately to stop anyone else getting ahead of them, pulling them back, in order to preserve their own fragile ego and self-esteem, so that their world view of themselves is not threatened. The least you can do is not make it any easier for them to do so by beating yourself up at the same time.

You take these steps, you work on yourself, and soon you realise that without even thinking you are doing all of these behaviours you were pretending to do for years because of “game”. Every single one comes naturally to you, as easy as breathing. You frame control because you know you are right. You don’t let yourself get treated badly because you know what you are worth. You don’t have approach anxiety because you know that you deserve the girl. You know what you said is the right thing to say because you said it.

And believe me, if you really want a true top-tier girl, one with beauty, class AND intelligence, this is where you’re going to need to get to, because they’re not stupid, and they’ll see straight through the fakery.

You want a life free of self-doubt? Free of having to think what “the right thing to say is”? Then stop wasting your time on countless hours of learning game, doing fucking “yadstops”, being an “amused wanky master”, and just start taking the steps of self-improvement to TURN YOURSELF into the man you want to be, and stop PRETENDING to be him. Become a normal, confident, socially well-adjusted member of society, and stop being that weirdo who looks like he’s trying too hard all the time.

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23 thoughts on “The Natural

  1. Imitation is suicide. Your killing yourself. Very astute observation, and 1 that i had been coming to for a little while, but thought i must be crazy because i never read it anywhere else. Game just gave me anxiety, even though i learnt some lessons, im glad to be done with it.

    • And ultimately, why do we all find ourselves here? We’re looking for happiness. So why carry on doing something that isn’t making you happy?

      For 99% of guys, just being pointed in the right direction on how to self-improve and given a basic understanding of social dynamics is all they need. The rest just sows seeds of inadequacy and fosters aspirations of a completely unhealthy lifestyle, trawling the streets, bars and clubs for an endless succession of women, never experiencing a meaningful emotional connection with anyone.

      • I agree that Game can be taken too far, and to unhealthy extremes. It’s just a tool, that a lot of people use wrong. The thing is though, Red Pill is still needed. After my first week of Red Pill, SO MANY THINGS fell into place. I pay zero attention to the PUA culture, who I think are clueless to what true, traditional masculinity is. But 90% of men will be trapped in crappy or subpar relationships simply because they do not understand basic things about socio-sexual dynamics that you can learn within a few days of reading Red Pill blogs. So even if I never read another Red Pill blog, I would STILL be ok, because it’s more about the awakening process. Once you understand some basic truths, your understanding of social dynamics should be radically changed.

      • Completely agree. Every man requires a basic education in masculinity, the nature of women, and social dynamics. But quite often, beyond this point, it all becomes counterproductive.

  2. Interesting post but I disagree entirely.

    What you call self-acceptance is not something men can just turn on with the flick of a switch. Developing a positive self-image, congruency, and a good relationship with yourself is what inner game is all about. Most of what we call game is just NLP, tweaked and re-purposed for men interested in improving their relationships with women.

    I hear what you’re saying about being yourself, and not feeling constricted by what X or Y guru dictates. But no teacher worth paying attention to will ever claim that his way is the only valid approach. The smart and humble gurus will just say, “Hey, here’s what works for me. Here’s my best guess as to why it works. Go try it, and see how it works for you.”

    Men are free to pick and choose what they make use of from various gurus, based on how it lines up with their vibe and self-image. To use myself as an example, I read Krauser’s Nitro and tried it out for a few weeks. It felt completely natural and congruent, so I now use a slightly modified version of his daygame style. I also read Roosh’s Day Bang and tried it out for a while. I think it’s well-suited for coffee shops, which I believe is where he honed it, but I feel unnatural and incongruent when I use it on the street.

    A man who (unlike me) has a more chill vibe and does most of his day approaches in coffee shops, likely he would have the opposite experience.

    You write:

    “All men need to receive an education in “social dynamics” – the psychology of attraction, what behaviours you should be exhibiting, which ones you should not, how to be masculine. But that’s as far as it goes.”

    That’s game in a paragraph. Correct me if I’m wrong, but during the months you went from struggling to completely kicking ass in life – congrats and well done by the way – were you not reading a bunch of game blogs, immersing yourself in the ideas and mindsets of game gurus, and so on?

    If so, why piss on game now? What do you think a man who struggles with women should be reading, if not Roissy, Roosh, Krauser, YaReally, RSD videos, Thumotic, etc?

    Unrelated to this post but I also doubt you are out of ideas to write about. You’ve solved the problems that initially brought you here, but there will always be new challenges, and better ways to teach what you’ve learned to men who are currently where you were at a year ago.

    Cheers,
    Frost

    • Thanks for the thoughtful comment.

      The main thrust of my blog over the past 9 months or so has been on inner game, and I’ve referenced how to come to a place self-acceptance in a number of posts. It was not my intention to imply that it can be “switched on” – my own somewhat torturous journey bears testament to that.

      Perhaps I should have been clearer as to what I meant with respect to the usage of the terms “game” and “social dynamics”. Social dynamics I consider to be the study of the psychology behind the development of evolutionary traits related to social interactions and how attraction works between humans. A understanding of this is absolutely key, and it’s something every man should know. Just eradicating unattractive behaviours in itself will improve the appeal of most men hugely.

      Game I consider to be adoption and employment of any kind of behaviours which are totally inauthentic to your base personality in order to try and manufacture the approval of women. Doing a funny little jog in front of girls to stop them. Negging someone. Using strange, contrived conversational devices to try and control the frame. I also consider it to be the promotion of a lifestlye centred around spending the majority of ones time trawling for women.

      Most guys come to this part of the internet looking to improve their lives, and find happiness. In the short term, all they can think about is that they want to get more women, and so they start reading all these blogs and start thinking they want to emulate the lifestlye of a pickup guru. However, the fact of the matter is most guys would be happy with just a moderate amount of success in this area – they don’t want or need to be sex gods, just a decent quality girlfriend would do, but they end up trapped in a cycle of womanising, long past the point where they should have just met a nice girl and settled down.

      These guys – Roosh, Krauser – do they really strike you as happy, well-adjusted people from their writings? Look at Roosh’s latest – he just gave the most amazing, beautiful, compatible girl he’d ever met in his life the heave-ho for no particular reason other than some percieved ideal of travelling and banging, and now regrets it. Moving from one meaningless hookup to another, never forming an emotional connection with anyone, is not going to bring happiness to 99.99% of people’s lives.

      I contend that all of the desired outcomes that people want when they come to this can be achieved in a far more productive manner by chanelling their energies in a more constructive manner, with the end result of being totally happy and fulfilled by life, instead of a jaded womaniser with few friends, a ton of notches and some travel stories.

      I’m not pissing on game in terms of learning how to make the most of yourself, or how to talk to people at a basic level. I’m pissing on the dehumanising aspect of spending your life trawling for women, throwing away perfectly good relationships, aspiring to a lifestyle you don’t even really want to lead, and engaging in a bunch of socially awkward behaviours which aren’t congruent to who you are just because you feel you ought to do it.

      There are a few figures who I would recommend. Xsplat. Steve Jabba. I took 100 times more from their writings than from all your Roosh, Roissy and Krauser combined. Unfortunately, those who are on point and promote a healthy way to find masculine contentment are few and far between amongst the noise of the rest of the manosphere.

  3. “I’ve not blogged for some time. I really don’t feel like I’ve got much to say any more. I’m at a place of contentment. I’m happy with who I am, what I am doing, and where I am going with my life. I cannot even recall the last time I felt anything resembling a pang of social anxiety. I can’t recall the last time I went into a downward spiral of introspective self-analysis. I’m merely present in the moment, existing from second to second, acting on instinct.

    As someone who has started from the bottom ”

    You might as well have been writing about me. I echoed sentiments eerily similar in my return post from my absence a few days ago. Having come from the bottom and achieved everything i was looking for.. i felt like i was prepared to bow out.

    “What you call self-acceptance is not something men can just turn on with the flick of a switch. Developing a positive self-image, congruency, and a good relationship with yourself is what inner game is all about.”

    So very true. My journey took a little over 2 years to trek. Hardly what i would consider a flick of a switch. Inner game begins as a process of dedication and becomes a lifestyle. There is no ‘fake it’ to it. You simply become the better person you always wanted to be.

    • How are you doing in terms of finding inspiration of things to write about? It seems the majority of my writing was angst driven. Remove the angst and the creative spark goes with it.

      I’m fully concentrated on gaining financial independence currently.

      • I’m all to familiar with creative angst. Its why I withdraw from the soccer from time to time. You don’t just want to live in the sewer at all times so to speak. The inspiration is usually just to chronicle some aspect of my life and how it applies to me pre and post red pill. Sometimes it’s pretty, other times it ain’t. But it’s a humbling experience and allies you to introspect while creating a story for others to gleam wisdom from. I’m not here to tell anyone how to act or behave, I show them what I did and they can take whatever lesson they like.

        When inspiration dries up, walk away for a bit and enjoy the world for yourself. You’ve earned it coming from where you came from. But never doubt you have stories of your own and knowledge to pass down to the new guys that always end up finding the sphere as we did. The thirst for knowledge about why our lives didn’t make sense until we took the red pill.

  4. Heh, cute. Don’t change. Just be yourself. But change *this* stuff! Don’t practice talking to girls until it’s a normal, low stress thing to do. Just hide in a gym until MAGIC. Build confidence by giving in to your fear. Then when you’re magically comfortable chatting with hotties, don’t worry about what makes a good impression or not. Just be your newly muscular self!

    Most elaborate recipe for failure I’ve ever seen. When you treat women in a way that turns them on, they love it, and it’s fun. Even if you weren’t born knowing how to do it. Like riding a bike: am I COMMITTING SUICIDE by *learning* to operate the bike correctly, since i wasn’t born with those reflexes? No. I wasn’t born speaking English! Or eating with a fork, or saying please and thank you! Social interaction is a learned tool. If you were taught it wrong, learn it right. That will take practice. Be a man and fight through the frustration while you master it. Don’t expect instant results.

    It is evil to lie to men and tell them they can’t fix the fixable mistakes they are making. Evil.

  5. Fuck man, you’ve put a lot down here and it really resonates with me. The gym is where men are made – I can almost single-handedly attribute my transformation to fitness. It taught me humility, it gave me confidence and a fucking sick physique, and it led me to wonder how else I can improve.

    Like you said, the key is to have a mindset where you truly believe that you’re good enough but crave more. I doubt I’ll ever be satisfied with my lot in life, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy.

    I’ve got a lot more to say but I’ll save it for my own blog.

    I like where you’re coming from and hope you’ll keep posting. Thanks.

  6. I get where you’re coming from, and agree completely… almost to the point where I have a hard time understanding where the guys who are against you are coming from.

    I’ve long held the belief that in any interaction with women, 95% of your success is determined by the things you do before you ever walk up to her: your body type, facial attractiveness, grooming, income level, hobbies, and inner confidence or “swagger”… the last 5% is what could rightly be considered “game.”

    No matter how you slice it, effective use of game is simply compensating for what you lack in other areas. Guys who are at the very top of the social ladder have no use for game, and in fact many would be ruined by it if they tried to incorporate it into their model of dating. Arnold Schwarzenegger didn’t need game when he was the top bodybuilder and actor in the world. Rick Owens (a top fashion designer) doesn’t need game. Hollywood actors, even “C-list” celebrities don’t need it. The top photographers in the fashion/photography industry can bang the hottest women in the world… and I seriously doubt their libraries are loaded up with “bang guides.” I could go on and on.
    We rely on game as crutch because we’ve failed to maximize our lives in all other areas. I don’t think there’s necessarily anything wrong with that in the short-term. Learning game can give you some short-term boosts to confidence and dating skill that are much harder to come by other ways. But eventually you reach a point where game begins to fail you, and you have to go back to building yourself up in other areas to begin making progress again.

    An anecdote from my personal life: I first stumbled upon game back in 2003 via David DeAngelo’s articles on Askmen.com. Between 2003 and 2010, I had marginal success (~ three or four girls/year) despite going out several times per week, hitting on girls, and practicing my game. In 2010, I basically gave up on game and began focusing on improving my finances and wardrobe, building my social network, and hitting the gym regularly. In that time I’ve tripled my income, picked up some decent style, and can squat and pull over 2x my bodyweight. Every year since 2010, I’ve slept with more and higher quality women each year than I did in all of my active gaming years combined despite only doing a tiny fraction of the number of cold approaches I used to.

    I think your basic point is spot on. If you’ve already got your life handled in other areas, then learning game can dramatically improve your results in the short-term. But most guys reading game and posting in the forums would be much better served by focusing on that other 95% first.

    • Great comment – you’ve managed to state what I was trying to get at a lot more clearly than the original post.

      There’s this ridiculous mindset around some parts that “game trumps everything” – it’s total and utter bullshit. Understanding how women work and learning how to cut out unattractive behaviours will get you 95% of the way towards getting the women your real level of value deserves, and you can pick that up in a short space of time.

      The true, core confidence and sense of entitlement that comes from knowing that you’ve earned your position in life through the hard work you’ve put in – that is worth far more than any amount of “mastery”.

  7. Focusing on the real estate, architecture and furnishings instead of the paint and wallpaper.

    I agree that our mentors should display the ultimate qualities that we seek, and ultimately we seek happiness. I agree that Roosh is a fantastically bad mentor.

  8. Pingback: Sunday Dispatch – November 3, 2013 | Tao of Dirt

  9. Great article. Very Mark Manson like.

    I think one of the biggest problems is that “game” is so open-ended that it becomes essentially without any definition, and this is where much of the confusion comes from.

    To me (beginner that I am), it’s just the fact that it is possible for a man to improve his success with women by learning about the laws of attraction and social dynamics, etc. The ultimate purpose of it should therefore be not to be someone else, but your “best self” and conveying that identity in a congruent fashion. If you’re relying on whatever technique if it’s not congruent with your identity, you will fail, and your self-esteem will suffer.

    If you’re just focusing on doing x or y behavior, and not on deep identity building, you’re approaching it from entirely the wrong mindset. But in defense, I think more guys began to realize that once things began to move beyond the Neil Strauss/Mystery phase of things.

    • It’s good you seem to have your head screwed on, but did it ever really move beyond Mystery though, or is it just more of the same at a higher level?

      Attempting to adopt “intellectual mastery” or “dark triad machiavellian traits” or doing 1000 street approaches when they’re not congruent with who you are is just as bad as negging, and opening girls over your shoulder in my book.

      Attempting to lead a lifestyle of continual street approach and womanising, never making any kind of lasting connection with women, when deep down all you want is a girlfriend, is going to leave you unhappy. And yet many young men adopt the lifestyle because of how it is glamorised in the ‘sphere.

  10. Those canned game routines are not magic. All they do is give men the confidence to go up and talk to women. It gives them the mindset to not be reactive to her shit tests. Most guys are never going to have the kind of body that you talk about. I go to the gym 4 days a week and still will never look like a walking muscle. What matters is those game routines that allow the dorks of the world to interact w/ women and show social mastery and dominance. Once you’ve interacted w/ enough women, you end up with that mindset that you have of “I am the prize”

    You only need a handful of canned lines prepared in advance to set you up so that you can get the initial hook set with any given woman. Then you move past that and be yourself. Let your personal interests move the convo forward. You do not need to have the whole Mystery Method memorized.

    But at some point no matter if you are banking on the gym or game or your own personal wealth or looks or personality, you have to just go out and chat up the chicks. No amount of the other aforementioned items will substitute for just doing it.

    • “Once you’ve interacted w/ enough women, you end up with that mindset that you have of “I am the prize””

      “Then you move past that and be yourself.”

      I’m not really in agreement here. 90% of the guys I know who got into game have become stuck at a certain level. Their entire existence and validity in their own minds revolves around how many women they can get.

      The problem with using canned material, is that you don’t get the impression that it was “you” that got the girl. It was the lines, that someone else came up with.

      Yes agreed, it can give you an initial confidence boost to start approaching, but if you want to achieve real success, you need to move past it and truly embody natural attractiveness.

      4 days a week is plenty to be shredded with good diet and effective training.

      Agreed though as well that you still have to go and put yourself out there. Girls open me more than anything these days. Not directly or obviously, but just being massively over-receptive to what I’m saying, and hanging around me in an obvious fashion.

  11. I am a girl who tried to read about game. I know. sad. Basically I was shy and didn’t get approached that often, maybe once a year or ever two years. so my options were limited. Guys would cringe when I tried to flirt. So I thought if I read about game I would learn what guys were thinking and learn to be more aggressive. I was in experienced sexually and all my friends were getting engaged. I have never even been on a date. I am very small and after my surgery scars felt I had no value as a woman. Also I am not White btw. Lord knows I would never want to be a White woman but dating wise I am near the bottom. My education and career weren’t where I wanted them to be. I watched porn to learn things and it was just eyeopening. They don’t explain what really happens in biology class. I now know I could never please a man sexually. I got on OKCupid for like a day just out of being lonely. It was just a bunch of old dudes. I was afriad they would want to meet in real life and think I was ugly so I deleted. Then I started reading about Game. If you read books/articles about overcoming shyness, self-help books they teach you the same thing. Game just markets those same ideas about improving the self as ‘this will lead to mind control over women. They will now react how you want them to. this will lead to a certain amount of sex which will make you a man.’ There is no way to predict that. It focuses too much on assuming women are 100% predictable. But they can just up and slap you or throw a drink in your face.

    Basically I don’t like Game because it is a bunch of so called underdogs who all want the hot cheerleader. They think they are too good fo their underdog female counterparts. Like we won’t make them feel better about themselves. Only a perfect 10 will solve all their problems. I have watched short guys chase after tall women. Ethnic guys chase after blondes. And in order to get her you must mind trick her with Game. I have been stood up, laughed at, ignored, made fun of, everything. I have been the ugly sister waiting for my hot sisters to finish flirting. I have been the friend holding all the purses in the club while everyone else gets drinks bought for them and dances.

    Some jerk gave me attention a few weeks ago and he totally used game. I went along with it like a zombie and he failed at every turn. It made it clear it was stupid. Just be clear about your intentions. That’s all anyone has to do. But people fear they won’t get the reaction they want so they lie about their intentions. That’s Game to me. He was basically an ok person but he tried to hard to ‘trick’ and ‘out smart’ me. In reality I felt like I was talking to a middle schooler. He tried to get in my pants after three days of knowing me! He laughed and refused when I mentioned a blood test. I went from zombie to telling him off! He apologized like 10 times. I could have finally had a kiss or lost my virginity but I thought no. I will try again next time with someone who has more maturity and awareness. He was very handsome and tall. He could get any girl. But it was funny for him to try and pick what he thought was an easy target using game.

    Basically I am back where I started. Mens clothes are pretty simple. Even exercising for a man is simple. Female standards of beauty are harder to maintain and more expensive. You can get ripped sure…but what if you are born with small tits. I just have to accept that being alone is ok. I need to stop looking at the internet for answers but it’s hard. Being with another person is not an accomplishment. I don’t want to get married like my friends who got their rings by playing games of their own. I just take it one day at a time. There are good days and bad.

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