So, My Girlfriend Found My Blog

How did it happen? I went out to the gym, and left her back at my place working from home on my laptop. Turns out I’d left a tab open on the browser with my blog open, and she had read the most recent few articles, and was somewhat troubled about the whole thing.

Schoolboy error? Stupid? Maybe, but truth be told, I’ve made no secret with her about the fact I write a blog, and what it is about, since I met her. She knows what kind of a guy I am, and I’ve talked with her at great length about the journey of self improvement I forced myself to go down over the last couple of years.

I don’t feel I have anything to hide either. Ever since I made the decision to commit to her – and in truth some time before that – I’ve not been with a single other girl, and not even entertained the thought beyond my usual narcissistic thoughts of “I could have that random girl if I wanted to.” I’m so happy with my girlfriend, that I’ve simply not got eyes for anyone except her, and nor do I believe anyone else measures up to her. Oneitis? Perhaps, but if so, then it is a condition that I am pleased to be currently afflicted with.

That said, scanning through the most recent few articles, her eyes were immediately drawn to phrases about “cute bridesmaids” and “winking at girls” – and unsurprisingly so. To be going out with a guy, who you know used to be a prolific womaniser and has made no secret of it, and then to find him writing in recent weeks about other girls in such a fashion would make most people a little jealous or insecure I’m certain.

We sat down and hat a chat about the whole thing, and I explained to her the nature of the person I used to be, and the nature of this blog. My whole life, getting validation from women was the single most important thing to me. I could never get it when I wanted it, and so my entire life revolved around improving myself, my appearance, my social skills, all to that end. Of course, as most of us find, things change when we embark down this road of self improvement, and we ultimately end up adhering religiously to the practises we develop for our own benefit – as disciplined, driven masculine individuals – far more than for anyone else’s benefit by the end.

However, old habits die hard, and it takes an extremely well-rounded, internally validated man to not feel a certain sense of pride if he gets an admiring look from an attractive girl. Does it mean I want to run off with them, and leave my girlfriend? No, of course not. It just means I’m a fallible human being. Am I getting better in this regard though? Yes, every single day it matters less and less to me. It’s now completely dawned on me that how many women think I am hot is really such a small, insignificant part of life, and merely just an inconsequential side effect of all the other masculine traits I have adopted and now embody.

Also, the tone of this blog – being a manosphere blog and predominantly concerned for so long with my endless pursuit of women – is somewhat akin to the tone adopted by a group of men swapping lascivious stories when sat around getting drunk together. A certain type of language, a certain way of describing things, of objectifying women. Reading it – as a girl who is very much not used to hearing people speak quite so much in the frank and open language that is used by guys like this – would also be something of an eye opener I imagine.

In all honesty, being with this girl has really changed me for the better. So much so I can’t even describe it. When I found out that she’d discovered my blog, the first thing I of course did was to read back over all the entries I’ve made in the last month or two, to see if I’d said anything truly awful. Like I already mentioned, I’ve never been anything except totally faithful, and not even entertained the notion of doing otherwise, so I wasn’t worried about that – but I couldn’t remember if I’d written anything particularly raw about any given subject.

As I read back over my archives from the last couple of months, it was almost like I was reading the writings of a different person. It was unmistakeably me – my writing style, my sentiments, my ambition and drive – but the things I was saying like “I need to get a harem of 9s to prove this to myself” just made me think “Really? That was what was important to you? Such a shallow, trivial ambition?” I thought better of myself.

What measure of a man is it that he seeks only to define himself by the perceived quality and quantity of woman he can get with? What shallow, weak character is displayed by feeling compelled to continuously prove something to oneself by embarking upon an endless cycle of meaningless hookups, just to try and finally patch the gaping hole in ones own self-esteem? What folly, to overlook the truly important traits of a masculine individual, such as being moral, trustworthy, decent and honest, in favour of such materialistic pursuits?

Don’t get me wrong, I understand why I had to go through that, and I understand why nearly every man must go through something similar at some point in their life, but I am so very glad all that is behind me. Although getting with my girlfriend was the catalyst for this final change – a truly top notch girl – it is now an inherent part of me for the rest of my life, and I will only continue getting better in this vein.

In a way, I’m glad she found it. I’ve endeavoured to be completely honest with her since day one, about who I am, who I was and my intentions. As time went by, and I spent more and more time with her, my whole mindset changed from wanting to travel to the other side of the world to relentlessly pursue exotic women, to now just being completely focused on making a future with this amazing girl I’ve met. This blog was really the only thing about me that she didn’t know about, and if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that the only true basis for a relationship is total honesty.

I won’t lie, I’m not entirely comfortable with knowing she’s going to be most likely reading back through all the old posts, about my exploits – I did consider taking the blog offline – but I trust she knows I’m not that person any more. All the same, it feels like someone reading your personal diary – even though this blog has been read by tens of thousands of people, I only know a couple of them face to face.

She also complained that I hadn’t written anything nice about her in what she read – so I’d like to direct her to the 5th paragraph of this post from a month back, so that should shut her up 😉 https://yousowould.wordpress.com/2013/07/27/pandoras-box/

Anyway, in terms of my plans for this blog, I still aim to continue writing about self improvement, social dynamics, drive and ambition, but perhaps I’d better tone down some of the more outrageous chauvinism for the time being!

Cheers

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21 thoughts on “So, My Girlfriend Found My Blog

  1. The Lucky Lothario

    Haha, perhaps you wanted to get caught after all?

    I know that now I’ve told two of my close mates about my blog that I’m much more self-conscious when I’m writing, but try and shrug it off since that’s the enemy of self-honesty. And that’s a self-consciousness that I didn’t feel when I met you and MattC, there is something about people who know you in a different way to the way you present yourself in your writing. Which face is the mask?

    Does this mean the end of the deeply contemplative posts? Or the start of the mysterious rise of a new but oddly familiar voice in the sphere?

    • Time will tell mate. I feel much less compelled to post at the moment, now I’ve not got some cathartic angst-ridden posts to spew out every few days, but at the same time, I still feel like I’m only really at the start of the real journey, and hopefully have a lot more to offer.

      I won’t like – I’m uneasy about the thought of her going back through all the old stuff I’ve written. She knows me only as I am today, and I’m not entirely comfortable with having my innermost self exposed to her in that fashion, especially given the subject matter of a lot of it!

  2. From reading your writing over the past few weeks, you already seem to be on the verge of another important breakthrough. I doubt that if a similar thing were to happen a year from that it’d even faze you enough to warrant a blog post about it.

    I suppose if you cared about keeping things secret, you could keep the self-development stuff separate from the manosphere/dating thing. That’s what I’m currently doing, and it feels perfectly natural since I really do feel like I’m stepping into a new phase of my life that’s largely independent of any particular woman’s influence. But I also enjoy writing about all the fun, seedy stuff that happened before I reached this point, so I’m not quite ready to give the old blog up.

    BTW, congrats on the girlfriend.

    • Cheers pal. I think you’re correct regarding your statement in the first paragraph.

      I know there’s nothing really bad on here, because I’ve not done anything bad since I met her, but I guess the fact that it is important to me made me momentarily insecure about the whole thing. This post was as much for her as anything else.

      Separate blog is an interesting idea, I’ve actually had one sat dormant for a while now.

  3. Yup, I’m in the same predicament. Girlfriend hates my blog with every fiber of her being but can’t stop reading it. It’s been a friction point but I’ve managed to defuse it every time – she just can’t handle reading about other girls from the past and the hilarious little incidents I get into when I’m out with the guys.

    I can’t say it was for the better but it’s definitely put who I am out in the open and she’s learnt to live with it. I wouldn’t intentionally expose it to other people in my life though – no one’s ready for that yet.

    • Interesting – do you find your intentionally muzzling what you write in order to ameliorate some of the adverse reactions?

      All of my close mates know about my blog already, but never a girl I’ve been romantically involved with. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, and will tell anyone nearly anything once I feel they are deserving of my trust.

      • Absolutely not – I keep a blog for myself before all else. It’s a log of sorts to track my progress as a growing man. It’s perfectly clear to both of us that if she can’t bear it, she can walk.

        My friends don’t know my inner workings – I’ve brought up Red Pill teachings a handful of times and it seems that a lot of them get it but I’m not willing to have them bear the full brunt of my writing yet.

        Keep at it – I enjoy your work immensely.

      • Cheers pal, hopefully I’ve still got plenty of content left in the tank. It’s actually quite refreshing to be not thinking about game constantly, although I’ve not got quite so much spare time for blogging any more since I’m spending most of it with the gf. I’ll just have to do more of it on my employer’s dime instead 😉

  4. patrice o’neal said, “the best relationship is one where the woman knows you have other options. and when she know’s you’ll righteously WALK, she will righteously STAY.”

    i believe the latter is especially true if she knows she can be easily replaced. girl finding your site just added to your HV. she knew about it and “stumbled” upon it. lol. whatev’s, she WANTED to read it.

    • You’re not wrong. A little jealousy on the girl’s part is a very healthy thing for a relationship, provided you don’t repeatedly and deliberately play it up, a la “dread game”.

      From the dude? Not so much, just telegraphing insecurity and low value.

  5. Sounds very much like a predicament i find myself teeter tottering on. Although i write in a more biting/harsher tone than you. I know deep down, she’d understand and agree with a lot of it.. but i’m just not ready to introduce her to my writing yet.

    One day, perhaps i’ll leave a tab open too.

    But i know she’s very good about privacy.. probably wouldn’t even read it even if i left it open with neon signs and arrows pointing to the screen.

    But totally right there with you regarding the journey/self improvement aspect.

    • I’ve got mixed feelings. On the one hand, I’m almost ashamed of the person I used to be, and she’s only known me since I changed massively for the better, a lot of which happened as a result of meeting her. But that person was still me, like it or not, and you have to accept the journey.

      On the other hand, I’m glad it’s out in the open. I spent most of my last 2 LTRs sneaking around, and I’m determined to do this one right – fully honest and open from the start.

      The fact I know she’ll probably read this makes writing it a little strange, but this blog has been an important part of my life and a catalyst for change, and I can’t deny it. She’s a smart cookie, and I think she’ll understand, but it’s probably a lot to come to terms with all in one go. She has of course immediately zoomed in on every single one of the most damning phrases…

  6. Women enjoy knowing that they won. Your GF was competing against all of the others, and is giving you something they didn’t/couldn’t. I’ve had women that saw me go home with another women, want to be with me because they thought the other girl was more attractive. Women compete with other women – even if they have never seen them. Unfortunately, the guy is often not important – that’s why those shows like “The Bachelor” never result in anything long term – the woman who won, was competing against the other women. Once she wins, she realizes she doesn’t really like the guy… Since it was never really about him…

    It’s the nature of the beast… So I doubt your past will matter – it never seems to with me and I’m very upfront about it, and the likelihood of anything long term. But women are ever optimistic… Bless their little hearts…

  7. I let the current girl I am with know that I write and I even read her a post (albeit one on chess).

    I’ve showed her other posts I want her to read, even if my online handle has commented on them.

    I’m unsure of whether I’ll ever show her my blog but I dread being found out less and less everyday.

    • For me, I just had to own it. I wrote what I wrote because that was what I thought at the time, even if I’ve since changed my mind. I ask only to be judged on who I am today, not for what I blogged in the past

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