How did it happen? I went out to the gym, and left her back at my place working from home on my laptop. Turns out I’d left a tab open on the browser with my blog open, and she had read the most recent few articles, and was somewhat troubled about the whole thing.
Schoolboy error? Stupid? Maybe, but truth be told, I’ve made no secret with her about the fact I write a blog, and what it is about, since I met her. She knows what kind of a guy I am, and I’ve talked with her at great length about the journey of self improvement I forced myself to go down over the last couple of years.
I don’t feel I have anything to hide either. Ever since I made the decision to commit to her – and in truth some time before that – I’ve not been with a single other girl, and not even entertained the thought beyond my usual narcissistic thoughts of “I could have that random girl if I wanted to.” I’m so happy with my girlfriend, that I’ve simply not got eyes for anyone except her, and nor do I believe anyone else measures up to her. Oneitis? Perhaps, but if so, then it is a condition that I am pleased to be currently afflicted with.
That said, scanning through the most recent few articles, her eyes were immediately drawn to phrases about “cute bridesmaids” and “winking at girls” – and unsurprisingly so. To be going out with a guy, who you know used to be a prolific womaniser and has made no secret of it, and then to find him writing in recent weeks about other girls in such a fashion would make most people a little jealous or insecure I’m certain.
We sat down and hat a chat about the whole thing, and I explained to her the nature of the person I used to be, and the nature of this blog. My whole life, getting validation from women was the single most important thing to me. I could never get it when I wanted it, and so my entire life revolved around improving myself, my appearance, my social skills, all to that end. Of course, as most of us find, things change when we embark down this road of self improvement, and we ultimately end up adhering religiously to the practises we develop for our own benefit – as disciplined, driven masculine individuals – far more than for anyone else’s benefit by the end.
However, old habits die hard, and it takes an extremely well-rounded, internally validated man to not feel a certain sense of pride if he gets an admiring look from an attractive girl. Does it mean I want to run off with them, and leave my girlfriend? No, of course not. It just means I’m a fallible human being. Am I getting better in this regard though? Yes, every single day it matters less and less to me. It’s now completely dawned on me that how many women think I am hot is really such a small, insignificant part of life, and merely just an inconsequential side effect of all the other masculine traits I have adopted and now embody.
Also, the tone of this blog – being a manosphere blog and predominantly concerned for so long with my endless pursuit of women – is somewhat akin to the tone adopted by a group of men swapping lascivious stories when sat around getting drunk together. A certain type of language, a certain way of describing things, of objectifying women. Reading it – as a girl who is very much not used to hearing people speak quite so much in the frank and open language that is used by guys like this – would also be something of an eye opener I imagine.
In all honesty, being with this girl has really changed me for the better. So much so I can’t even describe it. When I found out that she’d discovered my blog, the first thing I of course did was to read back over all the entries I’ve made in the last month or two, to see if I’d said anything truly awful. Like I already mentioned, I’ve never been anything except totally faithful, and not even entertained the notion of doing otherwise, so I wasn’t worried about that – but I couldn’t remember if I’d written anything particularly raw about any given subject.
As I read back over my archives from the last couple of months, it was almost like I was reading the writings of a different person. It was unmistakeably me – my writing style, my sentiments, my ambition and drive – but the things I was saying like “I need to get a harem of 9s to prove this to myself” just made me think “Really? That was what was important to you? Such a shallow, trivial ambition?” I thought better of myself.
What measure of a man is it that he seeks only to define himself by the perceived quality and quantity of woman he can get with? What shallow, weak character is displayed by feeling compelled to continuously prove something to oneself by embarking upon an endless cycle of meaningless hookups, just to try and finally patch the gaping hole in ones own self-esteem? What folly, to overlook the truly important traits of a masculine individual, such as being moral, trustworthy, decent and honest, in favour of such materialistic pursuits?
Don’t get me wrong, I understand why I had to go through that, and I understand why nearly every man must go through something similar at some point in their life, but I am so very glad all that is behind me. Although getting with my girlfriend was the catalyst for this final change – a truly top notch girl – it is now an inherent part of me for the rest of my life, and I will only continue getting better in this vein.
In a way, I’m glad she found it. I’ve endeavoured to be completely honest with her since day one, about who I am, who I was and my intentions. As time went by, and I spent more and more time with her, my whole mindset changed from wanting to travel to the other side of the world to relentlessly pursue exotic women, to now just being completely focused on making a future with this amazing girl I’ve met. This blog was really the only thing about me that she didn’t know about, and if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that the only true basis for a relationship is total honesty.
I won’t lie, I’m not entirely comfortable with knowing she’s going to be most likely reading back through all the old posts, about my exploits – I did consider taking the blog offline – but I trust she knows I’m not that person any more. All the same, it feels like someone reading your personal diary – even though this blog has been read by tens of thousands of people, I only know a couple of them face to face.
She also complained that I hadn’t written anything nice about her in what she read – so I’d like to direct her to the 5th paragraph of this post from a month back, so that should shut her up 😉 https://yousowould.wordpress.com/2013/07/27/pandoras-box/
Anyway, in terms of my plans for this blog, I still aim to continue writing about self improvement, social dynamics, drive and ambition, but perhaps I’d better tone down some of the more outrageous chauvinism for the time being!