Keeping Them At Arm’s Length

I’ve previously expressed my desire to avoid deliberately doing the girls I am involved with any emotional harm. To me, this means always being frank, honest, and up front about my intentions from day one. Namely, that I’m not looking to get into a serious, monogamous relationship, but that I am happy to keep seeing them as long as they are cool with the arrangement.

However, I’m not so naive as to not realise that even though a girl may agree to this even though she may want more, she is probably agreeing just because she really likes me and will take any opportunity to spend time with me, not because she’s actually happy with those terms. Ultimately, she’s going to end up falling for me, and it will end badly for her. The more sweet and feminine the girl, the harder she will fall.

I don’t want to hurt these girls, but I’m attracted to them, and want to spend time with them. The main difference between how they feel and how I feel though is that I am always prepared to walk away at a moment’s notice. A girl forms only a part of my life, in amongst my goals, ambitions, self-improvement, studying and discipline. I will never make any one girl the main focus.

I can pretend to myself that because they appear to be going along with my terms, then they’re cool with it. But I’d be lying to myself. At the same time, I’m not going to moralise myself out of some sweet ass and some enjoyable female company.

And so I find myself trying to perform a delicate balancing act of keeping them at arm’s length. Seeing them often enough to keep them interested, but not often enough to start creating a boyfriend/girlfriend vibe.

Part of the problem is that I’m a naturally very affectionate person when I’m with a girl I like. Arm round her, always sleep with her lying on my chest, spontaneous gestures of physical affection etc. It just comes naturally to me, and always makes the girl adore me.

These things have a natural lifespan. Eventually, the girl will realise she’s not going to get what she wants from me in terms of commitment, and that it’s time to move on, even if she doesn’t want to.

I’ve learned to live with the fact that I’m going to end up hurting the girls in some way, I just do everything I can to minimise the damage, and not darken her heart.


27 thoughts on “Keeping Them At Arm’s Length

  1. Pingback: Keeping Them At Arm's Length | Viva La Manosphere!

  2. I hate this so much. I really want to a voice hurting them and try to reduce boyfriend vibes to reduce the likelihood of them falling for me but I also am naturally affectionate. I have found though that more masculine girls tend to more often make pure FB arrangements work for them without falling in love.

      • I like SOME of them very much. Not the bossy ones but the risk taking free spirited and (actually) independent ones. The type who are into extreme sports or some surfer girls.

    • Yes, it’s a conscious choice to try and keep some part of myself back as well. I have long term plans and goals for my life, which involve retiring and emigrating by the end of the year. Under no circumstances am I going to abandon those, so the closer I allow myself to get to a girl, the harder it will make it when I have to leave.

    • Yep that’s the plan. I’ve spent the last 9 months writing a stock market analysis system in my spare time, and it’s pretty much ready to go. It’s only going to require a time investment of an hour a day, tops, and will provide me with financial and geographical independence. First stop – Brazil!

      I’m on my phone at the moment, so typing is a pain in the ass. I’ll reply to your other comments later when I’m at a computer.

      • Yep, the system does a shed load of automated tasks behind the scenes to make my job as easy as possible. I just have to decide whether to put the spread bet on or not. I’ve got 6 months to learn the market before the end of the year, so I’d better get my skates on.

      • Just watched some of his “How to approach women powerfully”. I like his advice of always look to be giving something to the interaction as opposed to taking. There is no anxiety when you are giving something to a situation.

        I’m not so down with his advice of not making your intentions clear though, and not taking the girls number, and instead trying to get her to take yours. Top tier high value girls have enough men orbiting them that they’re simply not going to bother chasing up some random dude they chatted to in the street for 5 minutes.

  3. As we talked about last week, it’s one of the downsides to what we do and who we are.

    We seem to target the same kind of girls, and they require a level of affection that will literally get them squealing with delight. The problem is that they’re still girls, and even if you limit your affections and show them a colder side, the more they will want.

    It’s a double edged sword. Maybe things will change once other priorities are in order, but then it depends on new priorities.

    • At the moment, I’m finding it very hard to imagine a time in my life where I’m ever going to want to monagamously settle down with one girl. I do want to raise a son some day though, and obviously that’s the best environment to do so, so something will have to give at some point.

      I’m in no hurry though – I’ve got at least 10 years at the peak of my SMV to enjoy first!

  4. If you don’t ever want to harm a woman emotionally…

    Never interact with them again.

    I actually think emotional harm is part of the package women want from a man.

    • This is quite true. Some emotional discord is desired to some extent, and modern culture exacerbates this with common themes and narratives in movies, books, magazines, etc.

      • Yes I can agree with this, as I mentioned in my other comment, women sometimes deliberately seek out drama to reassure themselves their man is invested in them.

    • “I actually think emotional harm is part of the package women want from a man.”

      Genius comment, Early. Absorbing and embodying this lesson for me has been scrubbing off the last vestiges of the blue pill. The older version: “You’ve got to treat’em mean to keep them keen.” What a piece of old school masculine wisdom, there, and I was too dumb and too white-knight as a youth to agree, or even understand.

      • I always took this to mean “don’t display too much interest, and stick up for yourself” – not “purposefully cause them emotional harm to make them like you more”.

        To my mind, treat em mean is a natural byproduct of a high value man with options. However the latter requires deliberate malicious behaviour.


      • I’d say both.

        Because even when I’m not trying to do emotional harm…they spin it into a way that I am doing it.

        Ever have a time where you said something and they took it another direction that you had no idea how they got there.

    • Interesting angle… So this is taking the form of women being emotionally validated by the suffering, and sometimes deliberately creating drama so that they feel a man is actually invested in them?

      I can’t see how on any level they’re yearning for their hearts to be broken, and suffer the corresponding months of misery, their ability to love quite so fully forever slightly diminished.

  5. Wow. Good to know there are men out there like this. Maybe the day you decide your in love with a person.. If that is possible? Just maybe she doesn’t choose you. Kharma… It hurts, and it’s very real.

    • As it happens, this particular girl to whom I was referring when I wrote this post ended up winning me over, and we’ve been (mainly) happily together for 6 months now.

      • It was just a natural result of finding her so easy to be around, and spending more and more time together. The attraction grew, the hormones kicked in, and I got loved up. It was a good time.

        Seeing a girl multiple times a week is a pretty poor strategy for keeping them at arm’s length, but sometimes you just go with the flow, and it’s all good.

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