Your image of your self, and how you define your own self-worth, forms the cornerstone of your identity. It controls how you interact with other people, how you give yourself permission to behave, and how you feel about yourself in general. People who have low levels of self-worth tend to be unhappy, socially anxious, unconfident, and bad with women. In short, a wholly undesirable combination.
So how do you improve your own self-image and worth? Simply by becoming better at the things that matter to you.
Now, the thing I have noted about having high self-worth, is that it doesn’t matter how you got there. The effects of having it are the same – stable, confident happy moods, natural extraversion and flowing social interactions. People are drawn to you.
Much of life is out of our control, and it is important to learn and apply a measure of acceptance to such things – there’s no point fretting about things you cannot change. The choice of things that matter to us however, from which our self-worth is defined, is wholly under our own control.
As with many of us, it was my inability to get the quality of women I desired that led me to seek out this part of the internet initially. As I read and absorbed more and more game related material, how well I doing with women became the only metric which I cared about. My weekend nights out could be made or broken on the back of whether I had pulled or not, or how hot the girl was if I did, or how many there were. Every time I got with a girl who was hotter than any I had ever been with before, I was ecstatic for days. Every time I got fizzled out on after a first date, or failed to pull, I was despondent. The highest highs, and the lowest lows. I’m sure we’ve all had nights out where we’ve just been completely off, each poor interaction driving us further and further into our own heads.
Over the last few months, I’ve been feeling more happy and confident than at any other point in my life, and it occurred to me a little while back why this was – I had ceased to consider my success (or lack thereof) with women as the single most important metric that defines my sense of self-worth. Instead, I looked around me, at all the things I was doing and had already achieved and become in my relentless pursuit of self-improvement, and finally gave myself some credit.
My confidence and self-worth was now solely defined from the single measurable standard of “Am I consistently improving myself as an individual on a weekly basis?”
As soon as I made this mental shift, something interesting happened. My social skills rocketed, and I began attracting more girls of a higher calibre than ever before. The confidence I gained from my shift in perspective meant that all the things I had been chasing for years – unshakeable frame, rock solid core confidence, aloofness, natural extraversion – all suddenly came naturally to me. I no longer had to fake the qualities of a confident, successful man – I was one, and all because I had finally given myself permission to feel and behave as one.
Right here in the present, it may be hard for you to see past that one burning issue which currently matters to you more than anything else, the sole thing by which you currently judge your success as an individual – but try to take a step back, and redefine what matters to you in terms of something which is directly under your control. Don’t forget – what you deem to be important to yourself is entirely your own choice. Reality can be perceived in any way in which you wish.
As mentioned, I recommend always having an overarching life goal to be working towards, and as long as I am making noticeable progress towards this on a weekly basis, then I feel good about myself. The odd week here and there where I don’t, I actually get pretty pissed off, since I knew I could have done better as it was entirely under my control. In this way, it actually serves to motivate me more than anything else has ever done.
By basing my feelings of self-worth on a solid, directly measurable metric that is wholly within my own control, my moods are state are unshakeable. No more swings of confidence and mood, just steady confidence. Combined with acceptance of my feelings and mood (detached mindfulness) and presence, I’m essentially “on” 90% of the time, and I feel great.
You ultimately choose where to build your own mental house. Choose wisely – build it on stone, not sand.