The Foolish Man Builds His House On Sand

Your image of your self, and how you define your own self-worth, forms the cornerstone of your identity. It controls how you interact with other people, how you give yourself permission to behave, and how you feel about yourself in general. People who have low levels of self-worth tend to be unhappy, socially anxious, unconfident, and bad with women. In short, a wholly undesirable combination.

So how do you improve your own self-image and worth? Simply by becoming better at the things that matter to you.

Now, the thing I have noted about having high self-worth, is that it doesn’t matter how you got there. The effects of having it are the same – stable, confident happy moods, natural extraversion and flowing social interactions. People are drawn to you.

Much of life is out of our control, and it is important to learn and apply a measure of acceptance to such things – there’s no point fretting about things you cannot change. The choice of things that matter to us however, from which our self-worth is defined, is wholly under our own control.

As with many of us, it was my inability to get the quality of women I desired that led me to seek out this part of the internet initially. As I read and absorbed more and more game related material, how well I doing with women became the only metric which I cared about. My weekend nights out could be made or broken on the back of whether I had pulled or not, or how hot the girl was if I did, or how many there were. Every time I got with a girl who was hotter than any I had ever been with before, I was ecstatic for days. Every time I got fizzled out on after a first date, or failed to pull, I was despondent. The highest highs, and the lowest lows. I’m sure we’ve all had nights out where we’ve just been completely off, each poor interaction driving us further and further into our own heads.

Over the last few months, I’ve been feeling more happy and confident than at any other point in my life, and it occurred to me a little while back why this was – I had ceased to consider my success (or lack thereof) with women as the single most important metric that defines my sense of self-worth. Instead, I looked around me, at all the things I was doing and had already achieved and become in my relentless pursuit of self-improvement, and finally gave myself some credit.

My confidence and self-worth was now solely defined from the single measurable standard of “Am I consistently improving myself as an individual on a weekly basis?”

As soon as I made this mental shift, something interesting happened. My social skills rocketed, and I began attracting more girls of a higher calibre than ever before. The confidence I gained from my shift in perspective meant that all the things I had been chasing for years – unshakeable frame, rock solid core confidence, aloofness, natural extraversion – all suddenly came naturally to me. I no longer had to fake the qualities of a confident, successful man – I was one, and all because I had finally given myself permission to feel and behave as one.

Right here in the present, it may be hard for you to see past that one burning issue which currently matters to you more than anything else, the sole thing by which you currently judge your success as an individual – but try to take a step back, and redefine what matters to you in terms of something which is directly under your control. Don’t forget – what you deem to be important to yourself is entirely your own choice. Reality can be perceived in any way in which you wish.

As mentioned, I recommend always having an overarching life goal to be working towards, and as long as I am making noticeable progress towards this on a weekly basis, then I feel good about myself. The odd week here and there where I don’t, I actually get pretty pissed off, since I knew I could have done better as it was entirely under my control. In this way, it actually serves to motivate me more than anything else has ever done.

By basing my feelings of self-worth on a solid, directly measurable metric that is wholly within my own control, my moods are state are unshakeable. No more swings of confidence and mood, just steady confidence. Combined with acceptance of my feelings and mood (detached mindfulness) and presence, I’m essentially “on” 90% of the time, and I feel great.

You ultimately choose where to build your own mental house. Choose wisely – build it on stone, not sand.

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6 thoughts on “The Foolish Man Builds His House On Sand

  1. Pingback: Lightning Round – 2013/05/15 | Free Northerner

  2. What do you do when you feel that nothing matters to you? That things used to, but they no longer concern you, and you cannot piece together why this happened? When your primary sensation and thought is that once you were a strong and capable cohesively developed and growing man striving for stardom as you defined it, and now it is work to hold onto a thought for more than a day, you have no clue what it means to feel desire for anything let alone sex and the only thing keeping you from serious consideration of suicide is a mix of probably shoddy logic and a vow you made to yourself that you would never end yourself for any reason even if it meant a lifetime of nothing or worse?

    How do you build your house when you don’t know if there is a ground, let alone what it is made of, and you would feel the same if it was washed away or if it doubled in size and majesty, nothing?

    • It sounds to me like you are describing the symptoms of either clinical depression, or chronically low testosterone

      I have personally suffered from depression in my youth. Mine got so bad at one point that I could not leave my bedroom without suffering a panic attack. It was successfully treated with a 6 month course of Citalopram.

      I am currently suffering from low testosterone levels, and am in the process of getting treatment. I experience symptoms similar to yours, but nowhere near as severe.

      I would compel you to go and see your doctor as soon as possible to get diagnosed, since there is clearly a chemical imbalance in either your brain chemistry or your hormones. It is not normal to feel the way you do.

      Good luck with it, feel free to drop me a line about it if you want to.

    • Possibly the most positive and actualized effects of supposed ‘pickup’ blogs such as these is the fact that guys are actually able to easily discuss & work through very tough core issues that so many of us are otherwise dealing with in absolute silence and isolation. Not only do women (in general) deal with these by default in their interpersonal communication within their friend group, but available services to help women deal with such issues are in abundance and receive govt funding specifically for women, at a level far and above services, if any, specifically provided for men.

      If you haven’t already done so, I would highly recommend reading the “Reader Letters” #1 through #5 series at The Rawness blog, here – http://therawness.com/the-reader-letters-1-series/

      While the post begins as a discussion of how to deal with the behaviour of a woman, the discussion goes on to deal with what to me has been the single most revelatory and life-changing piece of information on positive psychology I have ever read.

      It’s a long read, but I would encourage you to put the effort in as the rewards are great. One of the single most powerful takeaway lines – & this will make much more sense when you read the posts – is, “I am ok as I am, and there is room for improvement.” Note this is NOT the same as “I am ok, BUT there is room for improvement.” You are ok as the person that you are, AND if you wish to make changes in your life, there is room for these too.

      Hope this helps.

      • The single biggest change in my own level of confidence and happiness came when I really addressed my inner feelings. I attended a few CBT sessions, and the mere act of learning about detached mindfulness and acceptance of myself seemed to just melt away the years I had been fighting against myself, calling myself weak. Rather than berating myself for feeling anxiety around women, I just accepted that it was there, was part of me, and didn’t engage with it. Within a few months it had all but vanished for good. Occasionally I still get it mildly, but I am able to observe it from a distance, and actually become amused at the chemical reaction going on in my body that is causing it.

        Fighting and trying to suppress feelings only makes them come back stronger.

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