Presence

This is me. The sun is shining out of my arse.

It’s the holy grail of many pickup methodologies, such as that espoused by Real Social Dynamics – the ability to be completely present in any given moment, to silence the inner monologue, to be operating purely on impulse, not weighing and considering the potential impact of your words before you utter them.

It obvious to see why this is beneficial to pickup. You are leading the frame, and causing the girl to become reactive to you, rather than the reverse – whomsoever (didn’t need to use that word, but hey, it’s a cool word) is reacting the least to the other person in any given interaction is in control, and can generally steer it in the direction they want to. Your conversation is authentic and genuine, and coming from a place of non-neediness – don’t forget women are extremely finely attuned to picking up any kind of lack of congruence between your words and the actual impression you’re giving off.

My level of presence has traditionally been directly tied to my level of self-confidence. Low moods put me back inside my head, whilst being upbeat, such as when I’m full of endorphins, enables me to exist fully outside my head, on some kind of auto-pilot.

I’d reached something of a plateau with this a few months back, where I felt like I was on the cusp of being able to exist in a state of presence most of the time, but couldn’t quite do it, but then a few things came together which finally tipped the balance. I just realised yesterday that I’ve spent the last few weeks now almost completely outside my head, and when I can feel certain situations (such as considering to speak to a really hot girl) threatening to pull me back inside, my consciousness almost completely repels it and shuts down my internal monologue within seconds. It’s a great place to be, and I’m pretty much immune from worry, bad moods and anxiety now.

The main thing that really helped was my coaching session. Whilst I didn’t take any specific technical information away from it, having the veracity of my desired life philosophy (namely being authentic and direct with women, and owning my masculine intentions) confirmed by a respected peer who was far better at it than I, gave me the confidence to finally back my own mode of operation to the hilt, whereas previously there had always been a nagging element of “what if I’m doing this all wrong”.

Hot on the heels of that was learning the techiques of detached mindfulness and attention training from the CBT therapist I saw over a spell of a few weeks (he was actually a Professor, extremely well educated – I’m not sure he was entirely comfortable with my starting our sessions with “Yo Prof!” however). Swiftly followed by moving out of my previous grimy, urban, noisy environment (I hate you north London) to somewhere quiet, open and green.

So, some things you can do to increase presence in the short term:

  • work out, often – the endorphin and testosterone boost is like a drug
  • get your sleep sorted – nothing will put you back inside your head quicker than exhaustion
  • eliminate any negative influences on your life, such as:
    • old friends holding you back? cut them loose
    • shitload of stuff to do hanging over your head? just do it – make a todo list and nail it. Nothing will drag your mental state down quicker than a load of worry about tasks you need to accomplish all the time
    • live in a horrible, noise place full of ugly people? move
    • in a dead-end job with no prospects and abusive boss? take evening classes, re-train and get out of it
  • apply the CBT principles of detached mindfulness and attention training – more below.

Detached mindfulness will help you to stop engaging with negative spirals of thoughts, and simply observe them entering your mind and then leaving again. You can never stop the thoughts rising into your consciousness in the first place, and indeed the harder you try to repress them, the stronger they will come back. But you can choose not to engage with them. Here is a link to a document provided by The Prof (you’ll need a Google account to access – if you haven’t got one by now, get one!) detailing the approach.

Attention training allows you to concentrate solely on the set of sensory input that you desire. At any given moment, our senses are being utterly bombarded with input – sounds, sights, smells, physical sensations from the body. Often, they can completely distract us from our intended goal. For instance, take cold approaching a hot girl when you are inexperienced – your heart pounds, you get an adrenaline rush making your head swim, making it extremely difficult to think clearly. Wouldn’t it be helpful to be able to focus your attention away from those sensations and fully on to the interaction at hand? Or let’s take insomnia as another example – millions of thoughts and images buzzing around your head, preventing you from falling asleep. How useful would it be to be able to focus your entire attention on nothing but your breathing, reducing the thoughts and images to a muted buzz in the back of your mind?

Our attention is merely something that can be trained like any other part of the brain and body. The recording linked here was provided to me by The Prof – it’s about 10 minutes long, and you are supposed to listen to it morning and evening for ten days to notice a discernable benefit. I’ve found it really useful.

All these things taken together – self-confidence, sleep, working out, lifestyle, and CBT – have resulted in my now existing outside my head about 80-90% of the time, and it’s fantastic. Nearly all of my niggling self doubts and second guessing of myself has been completely eliminated.

Apologies if this isn’t written to my usual standard – I was kept awake all night by some sodding bird singing outside my bedroom from 3am. I’ve ordered a wind-activated plastic flapping owl (yes, they exist) to stick up a tree to try and get rid of it. If that fails – it’s getting shot. Fucker.

Let me know how you get on!

Cheers

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21 thoughts on “Presence

  1. The Lucky Lothario

    Will give that recording a go, good post. Shtick in my own head far too often, particularly when tryin to get work done.

    Laughing at simultaneously finding inner peace and getting all Dick Dastardly on a bird outside you window.

  2. Glad to hear you’re doing so well. That is an amazing feat to be present so often. Even trying this out in busy environments like public transport, clubs, etc. You can be the rock while the river rushes around you.

    Also agree on the sleep thing as primarily important, though an evening’s sleep deprivation can actually put you MORE outside of your head and is really conducive to don’tgiveafuck pickup. I’ve had good results when going out sick with fever as well.

    • Cheers pal. I’m not entirely sure when the progression happened, but I just seem to have developed the ability to silence my inner monologue at will.

      I agree that a temporary change from the norm in mental state can definitely help to achieve this too. In the long run though, you’ll eventually crash though.

      Hope you had fun spreading your germs about 😉

  3. That’s pretty awesome man ,I tried the whole mindfulness thing before but gave up when talking to a hot girl and mind started over thinking and was unable to stay present and figured it wasn’t working so gave up. This post and your new 1 have renewed my interest, will be giving it a go again
    thanks

    • CBT is definitely legitamate. In the first instance, you can get referred by your GP, and it is available on the NHS. It is beneficial it you actually have a specific problem that you want to solve with it – anxiety, depression, along those lines.

      If you do not want to wait, there are a large number of private clinics available in London. At the one I went to, prices ranged from £80 for a 1 hour session with a senior therapist, up to £160 for sessions with the Prof

  4. Ok cool, not depressed or nothing just got a problem with opening chicks, scared of my ego getting a slap I guess haha

  5. got a shitty laptop at the moment and it has a problem with adobe for whatever reason, any other way of reading it dude?

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