It’s almost 9am, and I’m sat here drinking my second mug of black coffee (no milk allowed – can’t break the fast til 1pm), having been in bed since 10pm last night following what must be my fourth bout of gastrointestinal destruction since I picked up that bloody food poisoning in Cambodia. I’m as strong and healthy as an ox usually – I never pick up colds, and if I feel like I’m coming down with something it’s usually gone within 24 hours – and yet my problematic guts remain my Achilles stomach. I swear it will be the undoing of me, as I eventually die a horrendous death from bowel cancer, the partially digested remains of the 85,432 chickens and cows I’ve devoured so far in my life finally exploding all at once in a visceral cloud of gizzards.
By the time today reaches its end, my blog will have surpassed 20,000 total views. I’m still not sure who my readership is entirely – there is a constantly shifting nucleus of core commenters, and I’m pretty sure most of the other big names in the ‘sphere do since they pop the occasional comment on, especially when I misinterpret their posts without checking properly!
When I first started this blog, no-one read it and no-one gave a shit. I didn’t give a shit what I wrote, since it didn’t matter. It was liberating really to have an outlet where I could be completely honest, even if it was to no-one in particular. As time has gone by, and I’ve picked up more readers (still nothing stellar compared to some of the other blogs I’m sure, I get anywhere from 200-400 views a day), I’ve become more ego invested in the portrayal of YouSoWould as some kind of super hero alter ego of myself perhaps. I’ve long since outgrown my peers in real life, and the only people whose opinion I actually respect and care about these days are other writers – a virtual peer group.
I find it extremely difficult to meet anyone on my own intelligence level in day to day life to have some really interesting and deep discussions with over some finer points of logic or philosophy, and yet here in the ‘sphere we have gathered together a collection of individuals of whom I’m sure at least half are significantly more intelligent, educated, or just more experienced in life than me. I may not always agree with what they write, but by buggery they can argue a point well.
Of course, to my mind, having an ego investment in who I think other people see the author of this blog as is stupid. It prevents me from writing as honestly and openly as I would like, and so I plan to stop it. I don’t write about typically “mainstream” ‘sphere topics much such as game or feminism, preferring instead to simply write about whatever random thought has entered my head that day, and expound upon it. As time goes by, it’s becoming more and more difficult to think of new content – new ideas and modes of thinking that were revelatory to me this time last year have now been internalised and seem commonplace, not worth the trouble of writing about.
Indeed I feel currently like I would be a total hypocrite in writing about game. Don’t get me wrong, I know more about the subject than most, and my current self-confidence levels have never been higher, I’m opening girls left right and centre which I would have only dreamed about 12 months ago. No, the reason it would be hypocritical is because I haven’t actually shagged a single girl this calendar year. The combination of giving up the booze (which still remains a fantastic decision by the way, I’ve never been happier and felt healthier) and the corresponding removal of the drunken hookups (with girls way below my normal standards) which it was enabling, and the spectacular withering death of my libido has meant that I simply could not give a shit about women at the moment. I look at them, appreciate their beauty, and it ends there, like I’m looking at a painting.
My ex girlfriend was in my bed last weekend – tight body, G-cup tits – staying over at a house party we’d had. I lay next to her, groping her tits (hey, I may have no libido, but give me some credit), and literally felt utterly zero compulsion to do anything else. Not even a stir from my loins.
The funny thing about the not being bothered is that I’m not bothered that I’m not bothered, which in itself is a clear indicator that something is wrong. I’ve kicked myself up the arse sufficiently to get my bloodwork done, and I’m getting the results back next Monday. I’m curious to say the least. After reading this post over at Bold & Determined, I’m convinced my T level is miles below what it should be, and I’m keen to get on to TRT or whatever else it is that I need as soon as possible. The brief flashes of raging sex drive I had whilst on the low daily dose Cialis a couple of weeks ago finally made me realise what I should have been feeling like this whole time.
My bloody housemate has just walked in and broken my chain of thought. I was in full flow then, and now I can’t remember what the fuck I was thinking about! He’s got some bird coming over for a morning sex session, who he’s been shagging on and off for a few weeks. She’s already levelled the “You’re just using me for sex” lines at him, to which I just instructed him to agree – “Yes I am. When are you coming over.” He tells me his sex drive is so high, if he doesn’t masturbate at least every other day, his balls ache to much he almost can’t walk. I want a piece of that action (his sex drive, not him. Although I’m sure he’d be amenable, we’ve been mates for 15 years now!).
The single most popular post I’ve written so far remains the LeanGains post about cutting, it gets a lot of search engine traffic, being more of a “mainstream” topic. Hopefully some of the visitors will find their way to other ‘sphere blogs through my blog roll (which needs updating incidentally), and get their baptism of red pill wisdom. I remember that it was through an article about LeanGains that I ultimately found my way over to this corner of the internet.
I think this blog will never really take off in a big way, since my thoughts and posts are a little too “fringe”. In my day to day life, I am naturally drawn to distance myself from large groups and behave in an almost contrary way to the majority, and I’ve found that it’s no different with how I view the majority of the posts in this part of the internet. In essence, trying to run contrary to a movement that is running contrary to the mainstream already – there’s some meta-mental-circle-jerkery on my part for you!
If anyone wants to suggest content for new posts, I’m all ears. I’m extremely capable of waxing lyrical about a vast array of topics, even if most of it is probably over-opinionated bullshit. It’s what I do best. Other blog writers are always going on about getting reader emails – I’ve had two I think in the entire time I’ve been writing this blog, and I’m jealous 😦
So I’ll finish this somewhat rambling entry by thanking all of my regular readers for taking the time to reflect and occasionally comment on what I’ve got to say, and resolve to keep my ego out of the blog as much as possible and remain intellectually honest with what I write.
Have a splendid weekend all, cheers.