20k

It’s almost 9am, and I’m sat here drinking my second mug of black coffee (no milk allowed – can’t break the fast til 1pm), having been in bed since 10pm last night following what must be my fourth bout of gastrointestinal destruction since I picked up that bloody food poisoning in Cambodia. I’m as strong and healthy as an ox usually – I never pick up colds, and if I feel like I’m coming down with something it’s usually gone within 24 hours – and yet my problematic guts remain my Achilles stomach. I swear it will be the undoing of me, as I eventually die a horrendous death from bowel cancer, the partially digested remains of the 85,432 chickens and cows I’ve devoured so far in my life finally exploding all at once in a visceral cloud of gizzards.

By the time today reaches its end, my blog will have surpassed 20,000 total views. I’m still not sure who my readership is entirely – there is a constantly shifting nucleus of core commenters, and I’m pretty sure most of the other big names in the ‘sphere do since they pop the occasional comment on, especially when I misinterpret their posts without checking properly!

When I first started this blog, no-one read it and no-one gave a shit. I didn’t give a shit what I wrote, since it didn’t matter. It was liberating really to have an outlet where I could be completely honest, even if it was to no-one in particular. As time has gone by, and I’ve picked up more readers (still nothing stellar compared to some of the other blogs I’m sure, I get anywhere from 200-400 views a day), I’ve become more ego invested in the portrayal of YouSoWould as some kind of super hero alter ego of myself perhaps. I’ve long since outgrown my peers in real life, and the only people whose opinion I actually respect and care about these days are other writers – a virtual peer group.

I find it extremely difficult to meet anyone on my own intelligence level in day to day life to have some really interesting and deep discussions with over some finer points of logic or philosophy, and yet here in the ‘sphere we have gathered together a collection of individuals of whom I’m sure at least half are significantly more intelligent, educated, or just more experienced in life than me. I may not always agree with what they write, but by buggery they can argue a point well.

Of course, to my mind, having an ego investment in who I think other people see the author of this blog as is stupid. It prevents me from writing as honestly and openly as I would like, and so I plan to stop it. I don’t write about typically “mainstream” ‘sphere topics much such as game or feminism, preferring instead to simply write about whatever random thought has entered my head that day, and expound upon it. As time goes by, it’s becoming more and more difficult to think of new content – new ideas and modes of thinking that were revelatory to me this time last year have now been internalised and seem commonplace, not worth the trouble of writing about.

Indeed I feel currently like I would be a total hypocrite in writing about game. Don’t get me wrong, I know more about the subject than most, and my current self-confidence levels have never been higher, I’m opening girls left right and centre which I would have only dreamed about 12 months ago. No, the reason it would be hypocritical is because I haven’t actually shagged a single girl this calendar year. The combination of giving up the booze (which still remains a fantastic decision by the way, I’ve never been happier and felt healthier) and the corresponding removal of the drunken hookups (with girls way below my normal standards) which it was enabling, and the spectacular withering death of my libido has meant that I simply could not give a shit about women at the moment. I look at them, appreciate their beauty, and it ends there, like I’m looking at a painting.

My ex girlfriend was in my bed last weekend – tight body, G-cup tits – staying over at a house party we’d had. I lay next to her, groping her tits (hey, I may have no libido, but give me some credit), and literally felt utterly zero compulsion to do anything else. Not even a stir from my loins.

The funny thing about the not being bothered is that I’m not bothered that I’m not bothered, which in itself is a clear indicator that something is wrong. I’ve kicked myself up the arse sufficiently to get my bloodwork done, and I’m getting the results back next Monday. I’m curious to say the least. After reading this post over at Bold & Determined, I’m convinced my T level is miles below what it should be, and I’m keen to get on to TRT or whatever else it is that I need as soon as possible. The brief flashes of raging sex drive I had whilst on the low daily dose Cialis a couple of weeks ago finally made me realise what I should have been feeling like this whole time.

My bloody housemate has just walked in and broken my chain of thought. I was in full flow then, and now I can’t remember what the fuck I was thinking about! He’s got some bird coming over for a morning sex session, who he’s been shagging on and off for a few weeks. She’s already levelled the “You’re just using me for sex” lines at him, to which I just instructed him to agree – “Yes I am. When are you coming over.” He tells me his sex drive is so high, if he doesn’t masturbate at least every other day, his balls ache to much he almost can’t walk. I want a piece of that action (his sex drive, not him. Although I’m sure he’d be amenable, we’ve been mates for 15 years now!).

The single most popular post I’ve written so far remains the LeanGains post about cutting, it gets a lot of search engine traffic, being more of a “mainstream” topic. Hopefully some of the visitors will find their way to other ‘sphere blogs through my blog roll (which needs updating incidentally), and get their baptism of red pill wisdom. I remember that it was through an article about LeanGains that I ultimately found my way over to this corner of the internet.

I think this blog will never really take off in a big way, since my thoughts and posts are a little too “fringe”. In my day to day life, I am naturally drawn to distance myself from large groups and behave in an almost contrary way to the majority, and I’ve found that it’s no different with how I view the majority of the posts in this part of the internet. In essence, trying to run contrary to a movement that is running contrary to the mainstream already – there’s some meta-mental-circle-jerkery on my part for you!

If anyone wants to suggest content for new posts, I’m all ears. I’m extremely capable of waxing lyrical about a vast array of topics, even if most of it is probably over-opinionated bullshit. It’s what I do best. Other blog writers are always going on about getting reader emails – I’ve had two I think in the entire time I’ve been writing this blog, and I’m jealous 😦

So I’ll finish this somewhat rambling entry by thanking all of my regular readers for taking the time to reflect and occasionally comment on what I’ve got to say, and resolve to keep my ego out of the blog as much as possible and remain intellectually honest with what I write.

Have a splendid weekend all, cheers.

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16 thoughts on “20k

  1. What was the tipping point that turned minimal traffic into 200 – 400 views per day? I get a feeling the more you invest in this or your side project the more distant you become with your housemate whom you mention a fair bit. Re: your tweet from yesterday about the beer garden.

    • To start off with, I just commented as much as possible on other prominent sphere blogs to get some referral links. I commented one day on Hawaiian Libertarian, and I think I must have ended up on his RSS roll – he has a ticker on the left hand side of his site which shows all the new posts from it, and it started shoving 50-100 extra views a day over to my site. On the coat-tails of greatness…

      My housemate reads this, so he’ll probably talk to me about it later! He’s really quite similar to me in his general outlook on life, but I’m perhaps a bit further down my life journey than him. He’s yet to really start thinking about a long term plan for life in terms of how to get out work, what he really wants to end up doing etc. When he gets a couple of hours of downtime, he puts a movie on or watches some stand up comedy, whereas I will always try and do something productive like work, or something which I feel is furthering me in some way. I feel almost guilty if I haven’t accomplished at least a couple of hours a day towards concrete self-improvement goals in some way.

      I wasn’t always like that – moving to London really spurred me on. I’m naturally competitive, and there is so much to compete with down here, so many rich and successful people.

      • My friends do the movie/youtube thing too in their down-time which is when they’re not at work. sometimes I’ve been a good boy and can indulge and join em, other times I simply can’t.

  2. First of all congratulations are in order. Whatever ultimate purpose you view or use your blog from, I take value from it and will continue to push your ticker upwards and I’m glad to see it swell with other viewers.

    Now so that I don’t come across as too much of a sycophant, what I am most interested in reading is more about the models you use. How you made them, ideas or tips on how to create them, particularly developing the starting point of a methodical mindset. And more about your blood results and libido since that struck a loud tone in me. Live, powerful, hungry, intently focused on taking your due and getting your needs met one day and as dry and empty and uncaring the next. How you got on with the TRT queries, and whether you did that NHS or private, would be personally fantastic for me since I’ve been considering getting that blood work done for a long while and it would be good to hear the experience of someone less than 500 miles from me.

    I’m still doing the movie and Netflix thing far too often. I’ve been trying to view only ‘valuable’ shows that I can pull something useful from. Pre-70’s movies, Justified, but I suppose this may be the case where some advice I got when I was 14 is still correct. Throw the bloody telly out and be done with the whole lot of attempted manipulation. Like food, the more strict the discipline, the greater and sharper the results.

    Lastly, maybe I’ve missed the post but what was it that drew you into London specifically? And besides being around more people who actually want some variant of success, what benefits have you found in that great city?

    • Cheers pal, glad you’re finding it of some value.

      The model post was something that occurred to me a few weeks ago. I was reflecting on the fact that in order to get good at picking up women, you need all of the other pillars of your life to be in place – health, wealth and happiness. In turn, it then occurred to me that each of those factors is in itself comprised of many dependent factors, and that a chain of causality could be traced all the way down to first principles. I surmised from this that it would be possible to derive a total model for success in life, mapping out all the factors that come into play and their relationships to one another. One of the most important of which is a methodical mindset, which allows you to logically tackle and break down a given problem into its component parts. I’ll need to sit down for a couple of days and try to reverse engineer the model when I get some time, it’s likely to end up vast.

      I spent most of my 20s in LTRs, which I most likely would never have gotten into had I know what I know today. Don’t get me wrong, I had some great times, and ultimately seek to get back to that place again, but with both of them I should have moved on long before I did. I’d always resolved to go travelling, so when I came out of my last one at 29, I figured it would be as a good a time as any to branch out on a solo trip. When I got back, I found that I’d outgrown the previous life which had been sufficient for me. My horizons had expanded so much, that I felt constrained by the place I was living and the kind of people that lived there. Not my friends of course – they were the cream amongst the bunch for me. Logically, the only place I felt that I could realise my ambitions, and really push myself on, was the capital. There were vastly more job opportunities down here, paying much greater salaries.

      London is a mixed bag. If you are competitive by nature, you will find yourself driven and compelled to succeed simply by measuring yourself against many of the other successful, wealthy residents of the city. This is what happened to me. In addition, there is simply such a bewildering array of things to do, opportunities to explore, and new people to meet, if you can force yourself past southerners’ natural introversion and inclination to only meet new people through existing social circles. On the downside, the relentless urbanisation and feeling of being in a rat race as you commute to work every morning, in a sea of miserable, stressed, socially awkward humanity can get you down if you allow it to. It requires a strong frame to remain charismatic and positive sometimes. I do miss the countryside too. There’s little need to have a car down here, since the public transport is so good, but consequently you lose the ability to drive out of the city. Whenever I travel back up north to see family, it is always with a welcome feeling that it’s nice to get out of the place for a while.

      That said, it’s spoiled me. Until I settle down with a family, whenever that may be, I simply could not live anywhere else in the UK. Manchester, which once seemed such a large and vibrant place, now feels pokey and poor by comparison when I go back. The inhabitants, although having a great sense of humour and being much more friendly, simply don’t have the same ambition as people down here, and are more prepared to accept their lot, which I feel drags me down sometimes.

      Hope some of this add some clarification.

  3. The Lucky Lothario

    Funny to feel that your game is getting better and also not actually getting laid for a longer period of time. I know I feel kind of the same, not actually got down since November. Like I’ve mentioned, had a few girls back to my bed who were subpar and sent them away once I realised I didn’t want to go through with it. Ordered Krauser’s book and will try and get into his style of daygame. I think it will be congruent with who I am to be going for girls in the day. Who has time to waste getting drunk and going to clubs for hours on end. It can be fun but then equally it can feel like a massive waste of time.

    Didn’t realise you were from the North as well. Suddenly guys from the NorthWest are cropping up all over the ‘sphere. Got Matt over at Three Bromigos as another scouser. You’re a manc! All pouring down South in search of greener pastures.

    Currently have girls guessing I’m from London. Something about the well spokeness and lack of a scouse accent.

    • Everything in my life is improving – my training, my finances, my social skills. Although I’ve currently got no desire to fuck, when I get it back, I feel it’s going to be a mere formality. Inner game can be developed to a high level independent of actually forcing yourself through cold approach – the key, for me at least, is not to derive your sense of self worth from your success with women. Once you stop doing that, almost paradoxically getting success becomes almost a formality.

      Lived in the north for the last 18 years, although grew up in Devon, so something of a mongrel. I get called posh in Manchester, and a northerner down here. Can’t win!

      • The Lucky Lothario

        In conclusion: Formality.

        Still, I need to get doing more approaching. Out sober last night, 3 approaches. One good hook and should have closed since she was very into me (and stroking the new hair) but was winging my friends who need more help than I do so left her to it. With hindsight, should have taken her number earlier rather than assuming I’d catch her again later (I didn’t…). Still, rolling sober earlier on can be quite fun, not doing it often enough and no-one else is approaching earlier on which makes it a lot easier to open. My friends were suitably impressed even if I wasn’t, since they can’t even think of things to say when I open a group for them and wing for them.

      • I do tend to repeat myself if I don’t proof read! Perhaps only a formality because of the preceding 10 years that it’s taken me to get here.

        I was a socially introverted mess when I was your age who could only pull after imbibing so much alcohol I could barely breathe unassisted. You’re light years ahead, and of your peer group too by the sounds of things.

        Get a solid job and some decent money behind you, you’ll be cleaning up in no time. It’s amazing the difference having some financial stability makes to your inner game.

        But yes as you say, in the meantime, cold approach is your bread and butter.

        There’s more than one route to get to the summit, I just tried to take the path which involved the least cold approach possible, although now I get nearer to my destination, I’m starting to fully enjoy it

  4. I like blogs that touch on a lot of subjects whether or not I’m particularly interested in the subject itself. If you find something interesting & write about it, others will find it interesting as well.

    And I’m still waiting to hear about your stock system! (not that you have to tell me or anything 🙂 )

    • It’s coming, promise! I’m going to get it finished and start using it first, but shouldn’t be more than a few weeks away (I’m sure I keep saying that, it’s like the project that won’t die…)

  5. One of the weird things about blogging and developing something of an audience is that you start to visualize yourself through the eyes of others. What would my readers think of this? Is this action congruent with the slice of myself that I present to the world at Thumotic/YSW?

    Really though it’s just an extension of our natural tendency to present different faces to different people. My work colleagues know a highly sanitized version of my tamest self, compared to one group of friends, who knows a different angle of me than another group, and so on. My ‘friends’ in the blogosphere are just another reference group that I use.

    Some will say you should try and fight the idea of a reference group, and live for yourself, but I don’t think that’s possible. Man is a social animal, and we will always need a social reference group to measure our behaviour. The real benefit of becoming a personality in the blogosphere is that I’ve – we’ve – created a new reference group of very smart, ambitious, unconventional men.

    • I’ve always striven to just “be myself” as much as possible, in any situation, although admittedly with sometimes deleterious effects, ranging from being told that my conversation with my friend “utterly disgusted” a woman on the tube, to being pulled to one side by my boss 6 months ago to inform me he’d had complaints over my “smug superior attitude”. So in hindsight maybe I’d do better to reign myself in a little more!

      This blog hopefully represents the “purest” form of myself, running mainly parallel to my true point of view on life. Although that said, there are certain things I’d never post about (inappropriate family member sex dreams, you know who you are… shudder).

      You are correct of course about adopting different personalities to suit the situation. And indeed, do any of us present our true personality even to ourselves? How many of us can actually face up to the cold, stark reflection of reality in the mirror, and critically evaluate? Our egos would not permit it I think.

      And for that matter, what is out true personality? Is it how others see us, how we perceive ourselves, or somewhere in between?

      All getting a bit too deep for a Monday afternoon I think, I’m off to lift some heavy lumps of metal up and down at the gym 😉

  6. I like how your blog isn’t too game oriented, although I’m sure you could add plenty of value by posting game advice. But it’s good to read about different subjects written by a man who has taken the red pill.

    And I’m about to hit 18K….coming for you bro. 😉

    • Haha, bring it on 😉 I do wonder how many hits the big blogs get a day, like Chateau, Private Man, RoK etc.

      I’ve just finished reading a pretty interesting book on various psychological fallacies that people are prone to falling into, so I’m probably going to put up some posts around that soon.

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