“I am flat, lifeless. I observe the world as if through the eyes of another, insipid, bereft of feeling. I eye women with nothing but a purely aesthetic appreciation, as a critic might gaze upon a painting. I feel no compulsion to do anything except go through my daily routine on autopilot. I force myself to take the action I feel I should, but my heart is not in it. I am not depressed, nor unhappy – merely apathetic.”

“I am the master of my realm, surveying all that lies before me under my dominion. I am unflappable, I can do anything, open anyone – I am without fear. I observe my emotions as a bystander, watching their nebulous shadows ghost past the edges of my laser sharp consciousness. I gaze upon women in a proprietary, predatory fashion. Surges of dominance, power and controlled aggression flow within me.”

Two different people?

These are the two states of being that I seem to currently be alternating between. I have spent the entirety of recent years in memory inhabiting the former, whilst I have experienced the latter now on several days over the last few weeks. And I like it.

The difference? Testosterone and libido. Something I’m taking appears to be working, and I feel like I’ve woken up from a long slumber. It’s not constant by any means, but it’s becoming more frequent.

Is this how some men have gone through their entire adult lives? The raw motivational drive it imparts is beyond compare. If so, I envy them.

Now I know what I should be feeling like.

7 thoughts on “Duality

  1. What is it then that you’re taking? I would also like to minimize the length or, if possible, to get rid of these states of apathy.

  2. Good personal insight man. I am near the exact same point. Sometimes it is like ‘wow, I am such a badass I am in perfect control’ then its despair ‘this world is so fucked up, I am so useless…’
    The only thing to do it pick yourself up and continue on.

  3. Yo yo yo!!!! I think the described better state of mind can be used as a an affirmation. Have you tried that, maybe it can make you feel that way without meds?

    • Very occasionally, like once a month, I feel like this without any kind of supplmentation, but it’s just not often enough to really compel me to act when around women.

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