…for me at any rate.
I’ve just had a minor epiphany. It’s a shame it has taken me so long to come to it, but indicative of the scope of the original issue.
I’ve been generally happier and happier these past few months, ever since I gave up boozing, and checked out of the meat market culture. It’s taken me a while to get there, but I’ve just realised what the major change has been – I no longer define my self worth as a function of my success with women.
It’s very easy to get caught up in the weekly party/hooking culture, the corresponding lows of alcohol induced depression, the ecstatic highs of conquering a new, hot girl.
I’m not surprised it was such a massive hurdle for me to overcome, looking back at the fat, spotty, borderline autistic teenager I used to be, who couldn’t even hold eye contact with a girl. The thing which I felt I could never have became the sole metric by which I would derive my feelings of self worth.
All self-improvement had no value in and of itself, other than the fact that it enabled me access to hotter women, to feed the ravening ego beast. I couldn’t just partake of an activity and enjoy it for its own sake – it always had to be about how it would enable me to get with a better standard of woman.
And paradoxically, now I am finally freeing myself from these self-imposed shackles, I’m opening cute girls in the middle of the day without even thinking. And not even congratulating myself afterwards – I’m simply indifferent to my successes or failures.
That’s not to say that I’ve escaped this mindset compeltely, but today was the first time it’s occurred to me so clearly that it is what I have been doing for my entire adult life.
I was reading an article by Maverick Traveller as the thought occurred. I will apologise in advance if I miscontrued your meaning Mav, but he was describing an encounter with a Portugese girl at a festival in Germany, and how he was glad that he had been travelling, and learned a foreign language, because it then enabled him to pursue an advantageous interaction with a very cute girl.
I thought to myself – “How sad to ascribe the chief importance of all those wonderful experiences, and the furtherment of oneself by becoming fluent in another language, to the increased faciliation of obtaining women.”
And the thought then just seared through my mind with startling clarity that that was exactly what I’ve been doing my entire life – not being able to enjoy any of my self-improvement activities for any other main reason than the fact I think they are making me more attractive to the opposite sex. Obviously I did derive feelings pride and accomplishment from having been disciplined and achieved things most others could not, but it really wasn’t the chief reason I was doing it all.
I’m certainly not going to stop doing any of them, but I’m going to enjoy them for my own purposes now, and be damned how they affect anyone else’s perception of me.
Cheers, have a good weekend all