You’re Too Hard On Yourself

I met up with the inimitable Steve Jabba today (he likes it when I call him that) for my pre-arranged coaching session.

First off the bat, the guy comes across extremely confident. Rock-solid frame, socially dominant and intelligent. Doesn’t tolerate bullshit and not afraid to make his opinion known. Over the course of the day, we had some very interesting conversations, ranging on topics of improving your value to money-making schemes, to the general efficacy of conventional game wisdom as advocated by the majority of the manosphere.

The type of “game” espoused by Steve is simple. No acting aloof, no “bad boy alpha” tactics, no “dark triad”, no dread game – just simple, straightforward, authentic behaviour. You see a girl you think is hot? Walk up to her, calmly and confidently, and tell her exactly what it is you like about her, banter for a few minutes whilst sexualising the interaction at every opportunity, and take the number (or push for an iDate if it’s logistically possible). Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t really think she’s hot? Don’t bother approaching, even for “practise”, unless you’re simply going to use her for a bit of banter to raise your mood before hitting on girls you genuinely fancy. Your lack of sexual state will come through and kill the interaction and you’ll take nothing away from it.

Now of course, you already need to have a certain level of value yourself to pull this off, but the majority of whether the interaction succeeds or not is based entirely on your own mindset. If you believe you deserve the girl, then you can get her.

I can’t express enough how refreshing of an approach this is as someone who has come from a background steeped in over-complicated pickup tips and tricks. Steve wasn’t doing anything magical, but his unshakeable self-confidence cannot be faked and has been earned through years of putting in the work in the trenches of day game. It didn’t necessarily hook every time, but it did more often than not, and girls literally lit up in the face of the very direct, forward, confident man.

Game has its place – it’s a good starting point for guys with literally no social skills to internalise the mindsets of confident men. But once you have a certain level of confidence, it’s simply not necessary over and above maintaing a strong masculine frame at all times, and pretending you don’t like a girl when you actually do will end up hindering you more than helping you. Own your own intentions unashamedly, and act on them as a positive, dominant, masculine individual would.

He’s got similarly high standards to myself, and during the course of several hours of trawling Oxford Street we only saw one genuinely stunning girl (they’re thin on the ground in the UK), who was a shop assistant in Selfridges. After building it up all day, I’m moderately ashamed to admit that I completely crumbled when the time came to step up – this girl was significantly hotter than any I’d ever pulled before (no reference point) and I’d piled so much pressure on myself that I couldn’t even hold a thought in my head – I knew that I would just crash and burn spectacularly if I tried to make an approach. In the process though, my self-hypercriticality reared its head, and Steve was able to offer a shrewd insight that it is in fact my own nature that is the main thing holding me back from success with the true top tier women (I’d previously done the CBT questionnaire on his site which had identified my chief personality traits as “entitlement” and “hypercriticality”).

I’m not afraid of rejection in itself – I’m a big boy, and I’ve been rejected before – but I am afraid of coming away not feeling like I was able to deliver my best performance with a girl I actually give a shit about, and how much of a hard time I would then subsequently give myself over it if I didn’t. Obviously, to only approach in peak state is ridiculous, as you’d then almost never hit on anyone, so this is something I need to come terms with, perhaps with cognitive behavioural therapy to figure out why I give myself such grief for anything less than the best, and to come up with coping strategies to get over it.

I’ve lost count of how many people have told me recently “you’re too hard on yourself” – it’s actually now starting to dawn on me they’ve got a point. For me, who has come so far and is generally such a confident outgoing individual, to be paralysed with anxiety to the point of not being able to talk to a girl because of fear of not giving my best performance (and Steve’s subsequent identification of such) was a bit of an eye opener to say the least. It was like regressing 5 years in the space of 5 minutes. No-one has ever really put me on the spot before and challenged me to actually hit on a girl sober, in the cold light of day, who I thought was a genuine 9.5, and I’ve obviously been avoiding doing it myself.

If I took nothing else away from today other than the identification of this real, deep-seated psychological sticking point, then I would still consider the day a success. I took more away than that though – Steve is the first guy I think I’ve ever met who seems like the real deal when it comes to pickup. I didn’t need to see him picking up 9s and 9.5s to know that he was capable of it simply by his character and demeanour, and being out with him today has provided a reference point to know that the type of girl I want is attainable, and very much within my grasp with one last push.

Anyway, that’s enough kissing his arse – he’s still in the bad books for not bringing me flowers and chocolates for Valentines day as I asked him to!

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10 thoughts on “You’re Too Hard On Yourself

  1. The Lucky Lothario

    So to summarise: The observation that you’re prone to harshly overanalyse yourself led you to harshly analyse yourself?

    Seriously though, sounds like a productive use of a valentine’s day. And day game is a skill every man wishes he could lock down so top effort.

    • Hah, something like that! More though that right on the heels of the identification of my hypercritical nature came a directly observable manifestation in the form of a sticking point that’s holding me back from reaching the end game of this whole thing.

      The positive is now I have something concrete I can take action on. I don’t like anything to have any power over me in life, so hopefully I can conquer this one.

  2. one of the only PUA guys out there that ive seen come across as a pure natural in videos is Richard la ruina. Turns out he picked up a lot of his skill rolling with jabba. I haven’t seen many jabba vids, but if Ruina is a reflection of his game and frame, then Jabba is the real deal and you are getting some class coaching.

    • Cheers pal. A combination of giving up alcohol, and positive thought patterns put in place after my meeting with Steve have caused me to develop more in the last 6 months than years before.

      Sounds like you’re well on the right path. Good luck to you.

      • Pardon the gatecrashing, chaps, the ‘giving up alcohol’ part stuck with me.

        I’ve just started doing this (a couple of days ago) because it’s shit expensive and I always get hungover the following day even after a couple (lightweight alert), so I’ve decided to stop wasting time and money and am giving it up. Maybe have a couple drinks in a club here and there but that’s it.

        YSW – what differences have you noticed since you abstained? How has it afffected your game? Less confidence without the Dutch courage or more ‘real’ confidence?

      • Single best decision I ever made.

        I was a “drunken alpha” my whole life – able to perform ridiculous feats whilst wasted, like pulling 10 girls in a night, or shagging a girl 5 minutes after I met her – but sober, I was a shell. I had no confidence to talk to girls during the day, and I never pushed myself to do so, thinking “It doesn’t matter, I’ll just get wasted at the weekend and be the man then”. I’d accrued something like 50 notches by age 25 doing it.

        Eventually though, the expense and the hangovers got too much. 3 days of depression every week just wasn’t worth it. So having decided to give up, I crapped myself initially – where was I going to get the confidence from now to talk to girls? But it actually worked the other way – because I had no other choice left but to step up, or be a pathetic little worm, I stepped up, and gradually started become more and more sociable, not just with girls, but with every single person I came across in my life. Additionally, I could never give myself credit from the things I did whilst drunk – it felt like someone else had done it – and so I never really gained any reference experiences. Now that I was starting to do these things sober, it was me and only me that was doing it, and my confidence multiplied massively.

        I’ve developed more in the 6 months since I have up boozing than in the 5 years before probably. I’m now completely happy, contented, at peace with myself, and oozing with confidence – I can’t remember the last time I felt anything resembling anxiety when talking to any girl.

  3. Pingback: Thoughts on Kratom | You So Would...

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