This post is written from the point of view of my own mindset – it may not be exactly how you think or approach situations, but it’s something that dawned on me yesterday that explains a lot of my behaviour in social situations, and when I’m trying to pick up a girl. Bear in mind that I’m a natural introvert who has taught himself to be extroverted. With the best will in the world, even though I’ve largely eliminated it, I’m never going to be fully rid of the internal questioning dialogue that goes on when my mood is low, or when I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
In the realm of pickup, we are encouraged to be delusionally self-confident, to project an image of ourselves being of far higher value than we actually are, in order to achieve the best success with women. This is something I’ve traditionally struggled with – I’m an extremely rational individual, and I need to have solid reasons to justify my behaviour to myself before I can allow myself to exhibit dominant behaviours in a situation.
Upon entering any new social environment, be it an office, a stranger’s apartment, a bar or club, or even the street, I immediately begin looking around to attempt to assess the value of all the other individuals present at the location, male or female, and then compare my own perceived value against theirs. I then attempt to judge the “vibe” of the venue – are people already talking, being sociable, is there loud music playing, or is everyone sitting in silence? How many people are present? This determines the “social penalty” for displays of socially awkward or incongruent behaviour – this might occur if you attempt to act in an extremely extroverted fashion without having the social skills to pull it off, and make yourself look like a massive twat instead.
Combining these two factors together determines how I will behave, and how much “permission” I give myself to be socially dominant and display extroversion. Possible combinations of these factors, and possible examples of my subsequent levels of extroversion could be (excuse the image – wordpress.com’s editor doesn’t seem to support table HTML markup):
This table is appropriate to me, and my currently level of perceived value – yours may be completely different. My own perceived value for instance was much, much lower 5 years ago – I would not have thought of myself as high value in a club full of students.
There are only two parameters in this equation – your own level of value, and the social risk inherent in a situation. The latter is fixed, but the former is entirely within your own control. This is where raising your own value through self-improvement and learning game comes into play – you will assess your own value relative to any given situation as far higher than in the absence of said self-improvement, and give yourself “permission” to act in a much more socially dominant fashion in a far wider range of situations. This will in turn improve the reaction of others towards you, and make you much more comfortable talking to strangers and chatting up girls, with much greater success.
Of course, you can blow all this out of the water and just act like a delusionally overconfident sociopath in every single setting. The problem with this is that if you are acting in a fashion which is not congruent with your actual value, in a social situation that doesn’t permit such behaviour, you risk coming across as completely socially miscalibrated and people will think you are a weirdo (whilst you may not care about what people think, and indeed you should not be overly concerned, there are still consequences however). You might get away with it in a club for instance, where the penalty for behaving in such a fashion is low – the music is so loud, and there are so many other people around, chances are no-one will notice if you are behaving in such a fashion – but you will not get away with it in a library, where every single person there will notice you immediately. In the case of your place of employment, you might even jeopardise your job.
Things like alcohol and other disinhibitory drugs are interesting, especially for the naturally introverted – they remove these self-imposed restraints, and allow you “have permission” to act in a manner which is far more confident than you normally would. There are also usually few social ramifications, since the environment in which this is most likely to take place is a bar or club, which as discussed above has low penalties for displays of potentially socially awkward behaviour. If you do partake however in high risk social environments, you risk causing all kinds of problems for yourself. A downside of this though is that it doesn’t seem like it was “you” who was doing these things, and as such, it is hard to ascribe yourself credit and take reference experiences away from it.
Note too, that this also applies, for me at least, to my interactions with girls. How I perceive my value relative to theirs determines how much permission I give myself to act in a dominant fashion towards them, and the subsequent success or failure of the attempt. Since I think of myself as pretty damned high value these days, there are few girls who will genuinely make me completely tongue-tied, but there are still a relatively large number of girls who are hot enough that I will perceive them as equal value, and become slightly hesitant and not dominant enough, hindering my chances at picking them up.
This is also why outcome independence is so important – if you really care about whether you succeed or not, you are attaching high value to a girl – at least as high, if not higher than your own (backwards rationalising that since you care about the outcome, if the girl was not as high, or higher value than you, why would you care so much?)
This might all seem overly analytical, and indeed, I wish I wasn’t quite so logical and rational about such things – but I know my own nature by now, and I’m not going to change into a different person at the age of 31. The upside however is that once I have figured out how a given part of my psyche operates, and how my thought processes run, I can “game” myself – take the necessary actions and steps to satisfy the conditions that I know will enable me to act in the way that I want to act to get what I want.
My method to achieve ultimate success with top level women is to simply raise my value in my own eyes to such a level that I consider almost every single person, and every single social setting to be of lower value than myself. This will be achieved by becoming extremely wealthy, free from the constraints of full time work, in better shape and better dressed than 99.9% of everyone else, having a diverse range of interesting hobbies and intellectual pursuits, being well travelled – the list is endless. Once I reach that point, the rest will then take care of itself.
That’s not to say that there is no value at all in pushing myself out of my comfort zone when trying to pickup hot girls, acting in a manner which is not entirely congruent with my own level of value – I just don’t get a great deal of mileage out of this, as it runs contrary to every ingrained instinct I have, and I believe that extremely high value girls, with their highly trained hypergamous perception, will see straight through it anyway.
It may not be the quickest method of getting there, but the foundations are solid. Once I have given myself logical justification to think of myself as of a certain level of value, it is absolutely unshakeable. I will never again fall below that in my own eyes. Mine will not be a house built on sand, but on 20 metre deep unshakeable concrete foundations. And when I do give myself to act in a socially dominant fashion, I am like a force of nature. Funny, confident, captivating, dominant, effortlessly the centre of attention.