Accepting Responsibility

I recently made a post stating that if you’ve ever lost out in love or the sexual market place in some fashion, then it’s almost certainly your own fault.

If your ego is strong enough to bear accepting this, I cannot express how liberating this mindset actually is. I went on a date with a girl that I actually genuinely liked before I went away on my holiday, and it seemed to go well. Snogged her, re-engaged strongly the following day, and it was left that I would get back in touch with her upon my return. After getting back, and waiting a few days, I dropped her a line last night, with a view to hooking up again this week. No reply.

Now, I’m not going to give up just yet, I’ve turned any number of situations like this back around with persistence. For one reason or another, she has lost interest in my absence, but whichever way I look at it, it has to be my fault. Either I:

  • didn’t create enough attraction
  • didn’t qualify her enough during our interaction, leading her to doubt my sincerity and viewing me as a player (she made several comments alluding to my high value during the date)
  • didn’t execute a holding pattern whilst I was away when I should have done

or anything else. Either way, it’s my game that has to tighten up, if I’m still missing out on girls that I genuinely like.

Time was in the past, I would be sat here seeking any possible reason as to why this had happened, other than pointing the finger at myself. “She’s a silly bitch, how can she fail to realise my value”; “maybe she met someone else whilst I was away”; “maybe she’s got some shit going on in her personal life”. And whilst any of those still might be true, I refuse to accept any of them as the real reason other than shouldering the blame myself.

The liberating part of this means that it moves things firmly back in my control. Maybe not in this particular individual instance, but for the case of future ones, it means that I can go away, work on myself, tighten my game, become even higher value, more sociable, more confident, and make damn sure that when I actually like a girl next time, I won’t let it get away from me. Failure to take responsibility means you are saying the situation is out of your control, and there is nothing you could do to stop things like this happening again, which is total bullshit.

Note that taking the blame doesn’t mean sit around moping about how lame your game is, or how much of a twat you are – it means use it as driving motivational force for further self improvement.

Step up, take responsibility for your failures, and use it as a springboard for future success.

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9 thoughts on “Accepting Responsibility

  1. This is the only one of your posts I don’t quite agree with. I think what you’re saying is a rational reaction if you know for sure there was something you did wrong (said something sappy, not escalated enough) but sometimes you just have to give yourself a break. You won’t always get the girl, and I think it’s healthier to adopt a more buddhist ‘what is meant to be’ attitude, especially if you can’t actively pinpoint anything you did wrong, than to over-analyse it all after the fact – something we’ve all been guilty of in the past.

    Rather than wasting time unpicking what was probably as solid a performance as you could have made, think about new targets. The pitfall with thinking you MUST have fucked up somewhere is that next time you’re in this situation, you might not run the perfectly decent game you did before because you’re convinced it’s flawed. Some things ARE out of your control. I recently went through what you describe above to the letter, and yes, I was really bugged about it for some time. But ultimately, I think it usually is a healthier attitude to simply think ‘sod her if she’s not interested’. Unless you ballsed up and you know how you ballsed up, any other kind of thinking is veering too close to ‘I failed to impress her, what’s wrong with me’ thence putting yourself in the mental frame of qualifying yourself to her, which isn’t good for your inner game.

    You said it a) seemed to go well, and b) seem unable to pick out anything specific you did wrong. Were this not the case I’d say sure, learn from the mistakes. Otherwise – suck it up and carry on as you are. The process of self-improvement should be ongoing all the time anyway, no matter whether a bitch gets back to you or not.

    • An interesting take on it.

      Note however, that I did say: “Note that taking the blame doesn’t mean sit around moping about how lame your game is, or how much of a twat you are – it means use it as driving motivational force for further self improvement.”

      I didn’t mean to imply that one should sit around trying to find what they did wrong by critically analysing every aspect of their performance, merely that I prefer to view the failure to get the girl as indicative of some failure to generate enough attraction on my part. And accepting that as the cause, and that it was nothing specific I could pinpoint, then to use that as a springboard to go away and redouble one’s efforts to make oneself generally the highest value individual possible. If you are high value enough in the eyes of a girl, she cannot help but be attracted (provided you keep the basics in mind – qualify, escalate etc)

      And of course, I agree that one should always be striving for improvement, but a little extra impetus never hurt anyone.

      The girl is written off, and I shall lose no sleep over it. I’ve been rejected before, and I will be again in the future, but each successive rejection by a girl that I actually give any kind of a shit about makes me twice as determined to get my game on total lockdown so that I can make this as rare of an occurrence as possible.

      That said, I am often told by my friends that I am far too hard on myself!

  2. Nothing wrong with being a perfectionist I guess 🙂 I strove to condition myself over the years not to retain interest in someone who isn’t as interested in me, and I’m much happier for it. It’s like having the following requirements for a potential GF/someone above a fuckbuddy:

    a) hot
    b) we get on well
    c) feminine
    d) sweet personality
    e) digs me.

    I used to be too happy to overlook the full importance of e) – although you could argue e) is part of b), there has to be enough e), which is the point. Ok, I’m not the best man I could possibly be – god forbid I ever reach a point where I am – but if e) is lacking – it’s not even that I have to struggle to forget them. The attraction generated by a) to d) is killed for me. Yes, it means they’re not into you enough. But I like to think a sign of solid self-esteem is to move right on without being fazed by it.

    I understand where you’re coming from. Generally a pleasant date with a good vibe followed by a good kiss are indicators that things have gone great – at least, in a logical and rational world. However females are anything but logical and rational. ’tis indeed a battlefield out there.

    • On a semi-related note, how often do you actually come across a girl that has a) – d)?

      It’s strikingly rare enough for me that I then get pissed off about the ones that get away, hence the resolve to then go away and work even harder on my self improvement.

  3. Good question. Like you, far too rarely, but when I have done, they’ve tended to be from overseas (although I’m seeing a doll of an English girl at the moment, a rarity). And the foreign factor is what’s interesting, for when you go abroad for a longer period than just a holiday, and you see how differently the women behave, respond to and interact with you – and I mean, positively – you return home with an ‘it’s not me, it’s them’ kind of mentality. Specifically I’m talking about a serious deficit of c) and d) – a western disease for sure.

    I don’t see it as such a bad thing that quality girls are relatively scarce – because I think it at least makes us appreciate them more when they come into our lives – which is important if, like me, you suffer from ‘grass is always greener’ syndrome.

    PS despite what I said there I am anything but a zen master when it comes to to things like what you describe in your post. When I went through the exact thing recently I was in a filthy mood for ages. But I still identified it as little more than the wailing of a wounded ego.

    • For me, I got into this game to be able to consistently get the quality of girl that I’m genuinely attracted to. When I get one in my sights, and then lose them somehow, it just frustrates me, and reminds me that I’m still not where I want to be.

      Of course, given that what I consider to be “high enough quality for an LTR” is a constantly moving target doesn’t exactly help matters! What I would have been happy with a year ago wouldn’t even stir my interest today – male hypergamy?

  4. Male hypergamy sounds about right. Perhaps the optimum mentality is something more like ‘high enough quality for elevation above ONS/fuck buddy status’, rather than thinking of LTRs at all – allows for more fluidity and also translates into better inner game.

    • Indeed yes, completely agree – when you start thinking of a girl in those sorts of terms, it inherently creeps into your behaviour, and makes you too invested in the outcome of the situation.

  5. Pingback: Lightning Round – 2013/01/30 « Free Northerner

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