It still happens every so often. It’s usually after I’ve spent long periods of time in smaller social environments, such as currently whilst back at my parents’ place for the holidays.
The doorbell goes, I hear an unfamiliar female voice – my stomach lurches with momentary panic. Ridiculous huh?
It’s a socially conditioned holdover from the first nearly 30 years of my life, before I studied game, before I gained in self-confidence and masculinity. Back from a period where a social interaction with a female I had never met before used to borderline terrify me. My stomach would lurch, I’d get a surge of adrenaline, all coherent conversational threads would suddenly vanish from my head, and I’d be left nearly stuttering in front of them, spouting forth such sparkling banter and witty repartee as “What is your name?” or ‘What do you do for a living?”
I still managed to score semi-consistently during this period, but it was entirely due to alcohol. I don’t even think I made out with a brand new girl whilst completely sober until I was 30. Alcohol transformed me into a different person – all my social inhibitions disappeared, and my core self came out – a cocky, cheeky, arrogant so-and-so who would quite freely maraud around clubs, cave-manning numerous girls with merry abandon. It was almost like a superhero alter ego – Game Man would come out of his hole and extract mighty social wrath on any nearby females.
Girls I already knew during this period didn’t present me with the same problem – I was able to relax and really “be myself” around them. Fortunately for me, “myself” happened to be a natural low alpha, so I was able to easily maintain a couple of LTRs in my 20s with relatively high quality girls. If “myself” had been a lowly beta, I’d have been fucked – although definitely not in the literal sense.
My old chode self has almost completely ceased to exist over the last 12 months, and my day to day persona resembles much more closely that which used to be solely reserved for whilst under the effects of alcohol. Admittedly there’s still a relatively large disconnect, and indeed, perhaps it is never truly possible to act in the entirely the same disinhibited manner during day to day life as whilst drunk – you’d probably cause quite a few problems for yourself if you did.
And yet despite this progress, I still get the “stomach lurch” when I’m not socially warmed up. I know it will fade completely with time, and that I’m basically fighting against nearly 30 years of social conditioning, trying to re-wire my entire outlook on life in the space of 12 months. But I’ve always been hard on myself, and I expect better these days. The lurch is gone almost as soon as it comes, but the fact that I even experience it at all still annoys me.
Anyway, onwards and upwards as they say. Here’s to another 12 months of social reconditioning as effective as the last 12.